Holdinator, or In Other Words:

Welcome Home! in which we chat, but it's different this time

2011-12-12T19:45:00.000-08:00

[Recently Released] Elder Holdaway: Hi.

Me: Hi, how was the plane ride?

[RR] Elder Holdaway: I got to help out a mom with her young kids. That was pretty cool.

Me: Oh yeah, I remember that. Hey, so you got that letter last night, right?

[RR] Elder Holdaway: The one from Jessica Smith and Sara Nash?

Me: That's the one.

[RR} Elder Holdaway: Yeah, why?

Me: :D

[RR] Elder Holdaway: What?

Me: Enjoy your hot chocolate and cookies tomorrow night. I know I will.

[RR] Elder Holdaway: Um, ok.

Farewell? In which we talk again, maybe for the last time

2011-12-06T21:35:00.000-08:00

Me: I had an interesting experience today.
Elder Holdaway: What was it?
Me: I helped a customer whose last name was Calton, and I took a shot in the dark, and asked if her husband had served as mission president in Michigan. She looked a little worried when she said that they had served there, and asked if I was one of their missionaries. I explained that I arrived six months after they left, and then... that was it I guess. It was just cool, though. Any little connection to the mission is still very thrilling.
Elder Holdaway: Yeah.
Me: How was zone conference yesterday?
Elder Holdaway: Incredible! And so emotional.
Me: Yup.
Elder Holdaway: President Church changing the closing hymn, Elder Pace's talk! Everything!
Me: I just read the journal entry about it. Wow, it's amazing to remember all those things.
Elder Holdaway: Yeah. It's so weird to be knowing that I'm going home in a few days.
Me: There is a lot I feel like I should tell you, but I guess it's all stuff you figure out. Maybe we'll talk again before you go.
Elder Holdaway: That mustache?
Me: That's one of those things you'll just have to figure out.

This one's for Mark, in which I acquiesce

2011-11-30T08:12:00.001-08:00

There you go.

So long, in which I'll be shaving now

2011-11-19T05:23:00.001-08:00

The trip, the game, the time spent with my brothers... it was all awesome.

But the stache is gone today.

Question, in which I have one

2011-11-16T22:36:00.001-08:00

Just out of curiosity, for the combover sporting man, how long does it take to grow out said combover? Five months at least, right? And what on earth do you do with the shock of hair you grow to cover your head in the time that it's not long enough to go from ear to ear? There's not really such a thing as half a combover? Or two thirds a combover, right?

It's all a mystery.

More Existentialism, in which we meet again

2011-11-15T21:20:00.000-08:00

Brian: Put 'er there, Elder.
Elder Holdaway: Gah! Bwahahahahaha!
Brian: What?
Elder Holdaway: Hahahahahaha!
Brian: Are you ok? What's wrong?
Elder Holdaway: Hahahahahaha!
Brian: :{/
Elder Holdaway: Hoohoohoo!
Brian: :{/
Elder Holdaway: Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha...
Brian: :{/
Elder Holdaway: Hee, hee, ah, oh, ah-ha...
Brian: You're in Okemos, now, right? Enjoy these last few weeks.
Elder Holdaway: Heh heh heh heh, Ah! Hahahahahahaha!
Brian: Another time, huh? Ok.

Emoticons, in which a whole new world has opened up to me

2011-11-14T17:35:00.001-08:00

Jessica taught me this:

:{)

:{D

:{O

:{/

Unpredictability, in which this week is really exciting

2011-11-13T21:10:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing the NFL is, it is totally unpredictable. The only two certainties this season are the best and the worst teams (Green Bay and Indy). Otherwise, anything can happen in any given game, like Arizona beating Philly, and Seattle beating Baltimore. Or a team with a quarterback who goes 2 of 8 winning. No really, 2 of 8!!

That quarterback, by the way, the one, the only, Tim Tebow. The same QB who has led his team (sort of) to two straight wins and has put the Broncos in contention for the AFC West Title. The same QB that I will be watching live this Thursday, as the Broncos take on the New York Jets (just lost to New England tonight).

This is going to be awesome.

Poser, in which I'm just pretending

2011-11-12T20:07:00.001-08:00

Jack has somehow become convinced that because I have a mustache (or pushstache, as he says it), that I have been mysteriously and miraculously bestowed with the skills of the handy man. "You can fix our broken windows, because you have a pushstache," he tells me earnestly.

Poor Jack. What will he do when he figures out that I have unjustly taken upon me the persona of one who can do things?

Hey RJ! in which I make an obscure movie reference

2011-11-11T20:51:00.000-08:00

Get out of my office! And take that ridiculous thing off!

7 Days, in which there is only one week left of this nonsense

2011-11-11T00:00:00.001-08:00

My boss stopped by my store today. He almost fell over laughing when he saw me.

Date Night, in which Jessica was brave enough to be seen with me in public

2011-11-09T20:29:00.000-08:00

She must really love me.

Fish Eye, in which I utilized Photobooth

2011-11-08T17:53:00.000-08:00

Too Tired, in which I didn't do this last night

2011-11-08T04:55:00.001-08:00

But the morning works too, I guess. The time change has me all messed up.

Intrigue, in which the game will be a good one

2011-11-06T21:39:00.001-08:00

Congratulations to the Broncos and the Jets on their wins today. This means that each team might be playing for something (playoff berths?) in 11 days when they meet in Mile High Stadium.

Good news for the mustache brothers.

1,000 Words, in which it probably isn't worth that

2011-11-05T22:13:00.001-07:00

Contemplating, in which I'm considering looking like this all the time

2011-11-04T20:37:00.000-07:00

Except that sometimes I have to use both my hands to do things... dang.

Styles, in Which There is no Debate

2011-11-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

One of the questions regarding the growing of a mustache is, What kind of mustache will I grow?

I supposed I would just do the simple shave at the corners of my mouth, and let the stache do what it will. And I guess that's what I'm going with. The handlebar isn't my thing (not that any kind of mustache is my thing), and I wouldn't want to shave beyond around the corners of my mouth, because I want to avoid looking at all like an evil dictator.

Some people thin out their mustaches, shaving the area just below their noses, leaving a half a stache, but I don't think that's my style either.

So, for this brief experiment, I'm going with the most simple style.

Awe-struck, in which I meet Him

2011-11-01T20:05:00.001-07:00

Hugh Nibley: It's still all foolishness. Complete foolishness, you see.

Me: Uh, hi.

Nibley: What? Who are you?

Me: Just, well, nobody. No! Wait, somebody. Oh, what clever response would impress you?

Nibley: Impress? Why would you want to impress me?

Me: Um... oh, hey, wait! Do you and Elder Maxwell and Truman Madsen do firesides, or whatever they would be called there, together?

Nibley: [Writing something on a notecard].

Me: I'll bet they're awesome.

Nibley: Let's get on with this, I'm certain there was something of terrible import for me to be sent to visit you.

Me: Well, it's just that, um, I'm nervous about people not taking me seriously. I'm growing this mustache, you see, and ...

Nibley: Take you seriously? My boy, I hope you don't take yourself serious. The gospel is serious business, more serious than I'll ever understand. You cannot take the gospel seriously and at the same time take yourself serious. The joke's on us, you see, I believe that now more than ever. Man is down there acting like he owns all that, giving offense, taking offense, taking it all into courtrooms to argue over property. Property! Ha! What does Man know of property? The meek, now there you go, we know what the meek are promised, and to be meek you must have a sense of the absurdity of all of that, and most especially of you.

Me: Ok.

Nibley: We are out of temporal time.

Me: Bye, Brother Nibley. It was nice to finally meet you.

Nibley: [Walking quickly away reading a manuscript.]

--But I'm pretty sure Nibley never wore a mustache.

Anxiousness, in which I consider the Reality before Me

2011-11-01T19:47:00.000-07:00

Is anxiousness even a word? I probably should have said anxiety, but it's not so much anxiety as, simply, anxiousness.

Will people be able to take me seriously? I found myself asking this all day today, wondering if anyone noticed the slightly darker shade of stubble on my lip.

I'm confident nobody did.

But what about tomorrow? Or Thursday? It will be there, just THERE.

Stache, in which We are Growing Them

2011-10-31T21:35:00.000-07:00

What is that? Josh's Mario mustache from his Halloween costume. But it reminds me, my mom is sending my brothers and me to an NFL game on November 17th. We are celebrating this in a number of ways, one of which will be by growing out our mustaches. From November 1st through the 17th our razors will ignore our upper lips, and we will no doubt be causing many people to feel uncomfortable around us.

But all in good fun!

So, to document the progress of the aforementioned mustache growing, I plan on blogging daily, including a picture showing all the hard work my stubble is putting in.

Here I am this evening. I shaved this morning, but NO MORE! At least not for the next 16 days.

Devastation in 140 Characters or Less, in which I Tweeted During that Game

2011-09-18T18:34:00.000-07:00

Game time is here. My belly is full (too full), the kids are in bed, and I'm ready. Hopefully the Cougs are too.

I had kept up some irrational hopes that I would somehow end up going to the game tonight. Not so.

@LaurieAMeacham So you may as well root for the true team, the one your daughter aligns with.

Are you serious????

What was the penalty there?

No wonder I've been feeling nauseous. That was terrible, even turrrrible as Charles Barkley would say.

@tonyparks1320 He should hear about that awful play. Fall on the ball!

Let's see some high octane offense here. PLEASE.

Not a bad run. #JJ

Was that Hoffman? Really? Hooray!

Um, ...

Who did Bronco want to appease by wearing the polo shirt over the top of the gray t-shirt?

Nice little Chad Lewis leap from Kariya. 1st down.

Hmph!! #fumble #2

Destroy Wynn.

Cougar front 7 playing with emotion.

Nice hit DB's.

What did Kyle expect?

NO GOOD!!

@LaurieAMeacham Hey!

Grr. I would really REALLY like to see a deeper pass executed.

#JJ

#crap

That's more like it. #Heaps #Hoffman

That's it, Jake, run the show. #Heaps #Jacobson

Oh My!!! #Heaps #Hoffman Under pressure, that was amazing!

Late hit. Emotion...

NNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!

C'mon D.

No first down here. Make 'em go 3 and out.

Still feeling sick; it won't go away until I see blue in the endzone.

Breakout game thus far for our friend #Hoffman.

This was the formula for success late last year. I like it.

Ooh, nasty.

Big J! #Justin #Sorenson

Weird, beautiful field goal and a shank kick off.

Good tackle #Ogletree

Turnover! Turn about, and all that.

Our resident Mad Man recovered it.

#Zed

This is my 1,000th tweet. And much like this drive coming off a turnover, #disappointment

Off topic, which arrogant, pretentious, despicable school do you more want to lose? Miami or Ohio State?

Nice hit, but Christopher hung onto the ball.

Utah's highly touted running back just, um, well, bwahaha!

Oh crap! Bailed out.

@DavidDJJames Yes, DJ, it was a bail out.

Stuffed. That's the BYU D we love.

Turn over on downs. Yeesh, let's see the offense do something here. That extended drive of Utah's should have given them sufficient rest.

Hey there's Hugh Nibley's favorite temple, on ESPN and everything.

Over the middle, to a tight end. #Holt

Cheap hit after the whistle. Whatever.

TOUCH FREAKIN' DOWN!!!! #APO #HEAPS

That is more like it. I'll say it again. That's more like it!

@LaurieAMeacham ?

The Utes have nightmares of a big tight end wearing #88 running over the middle.

@Lockedonsports You're exactly right. Two corrupt programs battling it out, there's nothing like it.

That was a big run, but he paid for it. Up ended.

Eason just wasn't expecting it to be right there. RIGHT THERE! So close.

@benbags Ha! Zing.

Van Noy!!

Jimmer sighting.

@LaurieAMeacham Ah, I see. Though I didn't notice it myself, I've been looking straight at the computer screen in between every play.

Go #JJ, hang on to that ball.

Fix yer jersey young man.

Too high. Hm, offense hasn't been able to capitalize on big defensive plays. Crap.

My goodness. BYU line backers and DB's flying all over the place.

Ceee-rap!

30 seconds and 2 time outs. Going for it?

Best garbage time punt ever.

Coverage on those tight ends needs to be sticky.

Put those flags away, officials. This is getting ridiculous.

Keep running the ball, Utes. It's really effective ... for the BYU D.

Holding, anyone? Anyone?

No bail out PI call? How come?

I am shocked, absolutely shocked (sincerely) that the officials did not call PI on Sorenson there. #officiatingisajoke

NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am hopeful. Delusional, but hopeful

Bright spot? #Hoffman

Wow, this is getting way out of hand. Stop the run!

BYU's inspired defense took too many hits with penalty calls, they are playing tentative now.

Channel the 1980 Holiday Bowl mentality. Channel it dangit!

And ... why?

Why? WHY? WHYYYYY?????

Well, hm.

This has been completely unexpected.

@Lockedonsports Yes, I do demand answers.

@ScottyGKFAN Today is much worse than 2008. MUCH WORSE.

@AndrewAdamsKSL Only 6 turnovers? Is that really all?

Worst train wreck in the history of BYU football.

@laurieameacham yup. Awful.

I'm on my way to take Lewis to see Jessica. Did I change out of my byu shirt? Yes. Of course I did.

This is embarrassing.

@laurieameacham oy.

Will do, Laurie. I'll say it again, this was totally unexpected.

This just in, ticket prices for remaining byu games drop to record lows on stubhub.

Not about to be outdone by the BYU football team, my dog dropped a very large, very smelly pile of crap on our stairs overnight.

Toe Stubbing, in which it made me think of

2011-09-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

Children have a very egocentric worldview. (A word of caution, I will not be looking up any term that I use to see if I am using it correctly. I'm feeling very lazy right now. I'm dealing with it, and you ought to as well.) Children think that anything that happens, anything that they are aware of happening anyway, happens as a direct result of something that they have done.

For example, it's raining outside, therefore they must have done something to make it rain, like spit too much or something.

I am a child, or am very childish. Probably that last one.

I stubbed my toe a few minutes ago, and my first thought was that I was being punished for something I had done wrong.

I did not (at least not immediately) consider that I might just be clumsy. Or that my big feet are prone to bumping into walls sometimes.

Not that my feet are really big. In fact, I would say that my feet are very average in size.

How do I know this?

I know people (men) who have feet that are bigger than mine, and other men who have feet that are smaller than mine.

So since my feet aren't big (like those I know with bigger feet) or small (like those I know with smaller feet), they must be average.

That's as far as my thinking went on this subject.

But earlier in a series of tweets I said something that may or may not be related:

Sometimes humor doesn't translate. Like when you give humor a book written in French and tell it that you would like to read the book in English. Thanks for nothing, humor.

262 Things, in which I will list 262 things

2011-07-24T15:29:00.000-07:00

1. I started this blog nearly four years ago
2. I had 2 children then
3. I have 4 children now
4. Joshua
5. Morgan
6. Jack
7. Lewis
8. I'm holding a sleeping Lewis with my left hand
9. I'm typing with only my right hand
10. This December will mark the tenth anniversary of the day Jessica and I met
11. Jack likes to laugh
12. A lot
13. Hysterically
14. Especially when he's tired
15. I thought the phrase "peachy keen" was "peachy king"
16. Until Jessica corrected me
17. Last month
18. I read a sports book for the first time in December 2009
19. The Book of Basketball by Bill Simmons
20. I just finished another sports book
21. Those Guys Have All the Fun
22. It's about the history of ESPN
23. Yup, I'm a geek
24. But if you know me, then you already knew that
25. I really like the cheddar cheese bagels from the Smith's (grocery store) bakery
26. Especially if they are still warm
27. When I was 15 I permed my hair
28. I can't remember why
29. But I was not the only guy in my school to get a perm
30. A kid much bigger, tougher, and cooler than me did too
31. After I did
32. But probably not because I did
33. The book I'm reading right now has a 348 page chapter
34. Our house has been infested with earwigs
35. Our boys are fascinated with earwigs
36. Those two things might be related
37. No, I don't personally know any of the Vineyard Holdaways
38. Or the orthodontist
39. Every pair of Joshua's pants gets a hole in the left knee
40. But never the right knee
41. My cell phone is a flip phone
42. THAT'S RIGHT!
43. I have had it for nearly two years
44. It has survived a lot
45. Especially a lot of falls
46. From my lap when I get out of my car
47. My car?
48. 1995 Chevy Lumina
49. White (did they make any other colors?)
50. It's missing large chunks of paint
51. Just like most of its siblings on the road
52. Its left front fender is bent out of shape
53. Because its tire blew up on the freeway one day
54. That was the only time in my life I had a police escort
55. I was in a band called Kermit
56. And one called The Bilge
57. And one called Rash
58. And one called Replace My Divot
59. And one called The Rasta Smurfs
60. And one called Cute Band Alert
61. And one called The Bob and Tom Show
62. And one called Eleven Seas
63. And others whose names I can't remember
64. Or they never had names
65. Oh! and a band that never practiced called Funny Little Finger Thing
66. I have a thing with loose teeth
67. I have heard medical personnel talk about putting patients on something called Rheummer
68. It turns out they were just saying "room air"
69. As in the patient is not on oxygen anymore
70. A number of my friends have law degrees
71. It's difficult knowing whether or not something I'm writing is really keeping with the spirit of my online persona
72. I have an online persona
73. I once introduced myself to someone as my online persona
74. Ten years ago I was on the last stretch of my mission
75. I served in Michigan
76. Specifically in Lansing
77. Jackson
78. Another part of Jackson
79. Grand Haven
80. North Muskegon
81. Harrison
82. The Mission Office in East Lansing
83. Okemos
84. And I served with Elder Hall (MTC)
85. Elder Staker
86. Elder Sanders
87. Elder Nelson
88. Elder Gregersen
89. Elder Merrit
90. Elder Henrie
91. Elder Ashby
92. Elder Peterson
93. Elder Olson
94. Elder Hatch
95. Elder Leavitt
96. Elder Anderson
97. Elder Boyle
98. Elder Munoa
99. Elder Eales
100. Elder Fagg
101. Yup, 17 companions
102. Elder Staker was my longest companion
103. We served together for 14 weeks
104. He is one of my friends who has a law degree
105. Our answering machine in our Lansing apartment as the source of great entertainment
106. I'm still typing this with only my right hand
107. Even though I took a break for a few hours
108. People are setting off lots of fireworks in our neighborhood
109. I used to be able to see the Timpanogos Temple from my front porch
110. I can't see it anymore
111. I think it's because trees have grown in the way
112. I start lots of things that I don't finish
113. There is a good chance I won't finish this list
114. Our yard is really big
115. A third of an acre
116. It seemed like a good idea at the time
117. Our sprinkler system is broken
118. Eye sore=my backyard
119. Jessica and I like to watch 30 Rock
120. And Burn Notice
121. And White Collar
122. I almost went to Toronto once
123. On accident
124. I wasn't the one driving
125. As a missionary, I came to love a breakfast of yogurt and bagels
126. That's what we ate at the mission home
127. I studied Hebrew in college
128. I should study Hebrew more often now
129. What is more often than never?
130. Lewis takes a bottle better than any of our other kids
131. I would look weird with a mustache
132. Few people wouldn't look weird with a mustache
133. Replacing a garbage disposal can make it seem like your dishwasher is broken
134. Unless you think to knock out the drain cover thing
135. The number 134 will always make me think of "I Believe in Christ"
136. Elder Staker used to read sections of Mormon Doctrine to me over the intercom of our phone
137. From one room in the apartment to another
138. Not long ago, cassette tapes were widely used for things
139. I looked like a little boy when Joshua was born
140. Josh was born in March 2004
141. So I was 23 when Josh was born
142. I was a little boy when Josh was born
143. My best estimate is that I taught somewhere around 1,000 missionaries in 2 1/2 years at the MTC
144. The audacity
145. In a lot of ways, I feel bad for Joshua
146. We just don't know what we are doing with him
147. At least with the other kids we have a small idea
148. Maybe just a slice of an idea
149. I think magazine subscriptions are funny
150. Not the subscriptions themselves, but the lengths to which magazines will go to get you to subscribe
151. I subscribed to Sports Illustrated to get a jacket
152. The subscription cost 20 dollars for a year, and that included the jacket
153. They want me to renew, but I'm not going to
154. I'm not sure which of us got ripped off
155. I am a big fan of morning sunlight
156. I am also a big fan of morning mist
157. And morning snowfall
158. I am now typing this using two hands
159. I learned how to type in high school
160. I am really glad I learned how to type in high school
161. I have three days off this week
162. Seagull is an extremely cool company, because we close our stores on a lot of holidays
163. Like Pioneer Day, we were closed on Monday in honor of Pioneer Day
164. I nearly accepted a job with US Bank
165. But instead, I accepted a job with Seagull Book
166. Sometimes I can be a smart cookie
167. I wonder when Tina Fey's character from 30 Rock is going to marry a Mr. Swindle
168. And fulfill her true calling as a painter of religious art
169. Tonight at Walmart it was curtains for me
170. And bread, milk, and dog food
171. And one of those lamps that you can clip onto a bed
172. Because Joshua likes to read in bed
173. He especially likes to read Garfield
174. I really liked reading Garfield as a kid
175. I had collected all of the Garfield books up to the current one in print
176. 20 years later, Jim Davis is still writing a daily strip
177. Wow, that's a lot of comic strips
178. I started this post six days ago
179. My favorite comic strip now is Dilbert
180. I understand there are some pretty good online comics
181. I can't get myself to be very interested in online comics
182. It's not that I can relate to Dilbert at all
183. I am not an engineer
184. I don't work in an office
185. My boss is fantastic
186. My employer (as in, Seagull Book) is just a great company
187. I rarely see more than one co-worker at a time
188. I attend meetings once, maybe twice a year
189. Though the meetings are 3 days long
190. But comparitively, I have no room for complaint
191. So, you see, my professional life is not at all like Dilbert's
192. My professional life is a little more like Jim's Journal
193. Jim worked at a copy store
194. At our house, we don't like thinking about what to eat
195. This makes meal time kind of hard
196. But we eventually find something
197. I don't like fruity candy very much
198. I like fruit, but I don't like sticky fingers
199. So I like to be able to wash my hands immediately after eating fruit
200. I think this supplement I'm taking expired in June of 2008
201. I bought it about a month ago
202. How is it that a supplement can expire?
203. I am the only person in my [parents'] family who has not been to Europe
204. The furthest away from Utah I have ever traveled is somewhere in Michigan
205. I say somewhere in Michigan, because I've been all over the lower penninsula
206. I don't know which of those locations is technically furthest away from Utah
207. I have not been back to Michigan since my mission
208. They (whoever they are) say you can't go back
209. I don't doubt that is true in my case
210. I could visit there, but it would be very different than when I was a missionary
211. Sunlight makes me happy
212. In 1999 I took a road trip
213. With Aaron and Spencer
214. We took Aaron's car
215. It was a brown Pontiac, or Oldsmobile
216. Or something like that, with a long bench seat in front
217. That's why we didn't take my car
218. A 1989 Mazda 323
219. We needed the bench seat in the front
220. Because all three of us sat in the front seat
221. In August
222. Driving to Phoenix
223. Without air conditioning
224. There was no working radio
225. Well, installed into the dashboard anyway
226. We had a working boom box
227. We played CDs in this boom box
228. And held it on our laps
229. There was a meteor shower on the way down
230. Oh, we all had to sit in front because our guitars and drums took up the trunk and back seat
231. Spencer had a blue mohawk
232. Aaron had pink hair
233. We made my sister really nervous when we showed up unannounced
234. This morning I stood in a breakfast buffet line across from Sheri Dew
235. She doesn't care for bacon
236. If you are still reading this, I apologize
237. My cell phone is no longer a flip phone
238. They call it smart
239. Baby Lewie is not very sleepy right now
240. I wish he was sleepy
241. We watched the Phineas and Ferb movie as a family tonight
242. It had some good moments
243. It was presented in "spectacular 2D"
244. That was one of its good moments
245. My left arm is falling asleep at the elbow
246. Another good moment was when Perry the Platypus peed on Dr. Doofenshmirtz's couch
247. And when Ferb actually said the words, "Well, he did pee on his couch."
248. I really like the smell of baking bread
249. And the taste of fresh baked bread
250. We don't have any flour to make bread right now
251. We are also out of potatoes, baby carrots, and orange juice
252. I need to go grocery shopping
253. That would also require making a shopping list
254. Let's see, beans, cheese, tomato sauce...
255. And diced potatoes (preferrably frozen)
256. Morgan didn't like the shredded potatoes I served him for breakfast this morning
257. I recently began writing with pencil
258. A classic yellow number 2 pencil
259. There is something very satisfying about that
260. I like eating refridgerated Twix bars
261. Especially the caramel ones
262. Though Peanut Butter Twix are my favorite candy bar

Jack's suggestion, in which he says this after eating the bread in Sacrament Meeting

2011-07-24T15:22:00.000-07:00

I need butter.

Manly Man, in which I'm Not One

2011-06-06T23:27:00.000-07:00

There is standing water in the bottom of our dishwasher.

Now, if you're like me, you need someone to point this fact out to you, and you also need that same someone to inform you that it is probably not ok to go ahead and run another load of dishes when the dishwasher is in such a state.

It became necessary for me to do what any befuddled and over matched home owner would do in a situation like this.

Google. (Actually, I didn't google it, Jessica did.)

From the internets I learned that sometimes standing water in the bottom of a dishwasher can be solved by thoroughly soaking up the water, removing a number of parts, and using a combination of baking soda (SODA! not powder, I now have a large can of baking powder that will be thrown away in a couple years) and vinegar. Homemade, dishwasher safe, Drano, or something.

The same web page informed me that if this solution doesn't do the job after multiple treatments, my dishwasher has bigger problems. Mechanical problems. Problems that require someone with the title "Technician" to come and solve.

Or maybe perhaps it just means it's time for a new dishwasher... (wishful thinking)

Over Memorial Day weekend, Jessica's dad busied himself with remodeling her parents' home and adding a wall in their basement to create another bedroom. My sons were understandably fascinated, even enthralled with the project. Well, I guess not all of my sons; Lewis is mostly enthralled with eating and pooping right now. But the others, especially Morgan, were entertained for hours watching and, ahem! helping their grandpa with this project.

At one point, Morgan said to Grandpa, "You are really good at building things. My dad isn't good at building things." Then, after thinking it over, he said, "He's good at laundry and dishes."

Which, I guess, considering the state of our one kitchen appliance, isn't such a bad thing.

Lewis, in which He was Born

2011-05-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

Sensitivities, in Which Morgan Feels Sad

2011-04-26T18:17:00.000-07:00

"Come watch this, Dad. Mario dies."

So I walk over to the computer to see what Josh is talking about. It's one of his online games that he plays, based on Super Mario Brothers. This game ends with a (very pixelated) video of Luigi walking up to a grave, and on the headstone is a picture of Mario with the caption: Mario, Brother, Friend, HERO. Luigi has tears in his eyes, and he places a picture of he and Mario on the grave. That one song from Titanic plays in the background.

I watched with him, and Morgan and Jack were there too. Jack laughed as loud as he could, as he is wont to do at something he doesn't understand. But Morgan watched quietly and then turned himself into the crook where the desk meets the wall, and covered his face with his hands. I pulled him to me and he had huge crocodile tears streaming down his cheeks. I just held him and let him cry.

Word Problem, in which Josh Does his Homework

2011-03-25T06:40:00.000-07:00

"Max had 17 pennies. He used 5 pennies to buy a toy. How many pennies does Max have left?"

Josh's response: "5 pennies? What kind of toy could he get for 5 cents?"

Not Necessary, in which this needs no title

2011-03-16T16:38:00.001-07:00

When I got the music, I gotta place to go...

Bartering, in which we talk again

2011-03-10T11:28:00.000-08:00

Me: Hey, um, well, that new drumset I had? Well, I sold it.

Elder Holdaway: I knew it. I knew it was too good to be true. You've changed too much.

Me: I had to. It was collecting dust, well, I mean that the blanket covering it was collecting dust. I couldn't ever play it without it being commandeered by one of the kids.

Elder Holdaway: Whatever.

Me: It's all good, though. I moved an excersie machine in its place, so now I can stay healthy... and things. These things are important when you're 30.

Elder Holdaway: You are an old man.

Not for this One, in which I Blogged Elsewhere

2011-01-28T22:55:00.000-08:00

If you care at all about BYU Basketball, and the Jimmerfest that is happening right now, then you can read my very wordy take on it over here.

If you don't care about BYU Basketball, well, that's why I didn't blog about it here.

Mood, in which I'm in One

2011-01-25T19:35:00.001-08:00

They call me mellow yellow.

Quite...

It's more citrus-y than Mt. Dew.

Wendover commercials drive me crazy. I've never been there, and heaven willing, will never have to go there. I don't need a rev-rev-rev-rev-revolution.

As has been noted elsewhere, we are expecting a fourth mini-Holdinator. Josh has suggested his name of choice: Wood Breaker. When I mentioned the one Jess and I have been discussing, he expressed displeasure.

I guess we could use this list.

(My vote would be for Joe (beard))

But, you say, I thought that you were in retirement.

I think I used the conditional term semi-

And if I didn't, I intended to. So there. Most of these thoughts are less than 140 characters, by the way.

Morgan has a shiner. I don't have a picture of it, but it was the result of a dressing accident (why wouldn't it be?). It's hard to stay balanced when your pants are only half-on and you're trying to twist/jump/run because that's what you do. And if there's a metal garbage can nearby, well, watch out.

I don't remember what their malady was here, but they sure are cute.

It's probably not good form to make two observations about commercials in one post, but any commercial that includes slowly rotating people, especially with shiny faces and mullets, ought to not be on TV.

Unintentional Comedian, in which, well, You'll See

2010-12-31T14:55:00.000-08:00

Setting: Our Kitchen. Jack and Morgan are sitting at the table playing, I'm at the sink, and Josh is following me every step as he is wont to do when he is eager for me to play a video game with him.

Josh: Dad, are you done cleaning the kitchen yet?
Me: Not yet buddy.
Josh: How much do you have left? Just wiping off the table?
Me: And all these dishes.
Josh (observing the sink full of dishes): It would go faster with two people.
Me: Yeah, it would.
Josh: Why don't you ask Morgan to help you?
Me: Ha!
Josh: What? You should ask Morgan.

Naivete, in which I read some Journal Entries from 15 year old me

2010-12-17T19:53:00.001-08:00

And I quote, "I found out Cheryl and Jeanette have something against guys. We've got just one track minds. That may be true, but my track isn't that bad. Is music really that bad a thing to always be thinking about no matter what? I don't think so."

Um, no wonder girls felt safe around me as a teenager.

Return for a Day, in which I just had to Blog about it

2010-12-11T17:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at work (at Seagull Book, you know, a Mormon book store), my coworker was ringing up an elderly (read: at least 80 years old) woman. The woman was writing a check and suddenly said, "Well, I just f--ked that up." I looked at my coworker, but didn't catch her eye, then I looked at other customers but no one would make eye contact with me.

I guess we all knew that if we caught each others eye, we just might laugh.

One Short of 250, in which I sort of Retire the Blog

2010-10-19T07:16:00.000-07:00

The majority of my not-so-frequent posts on this blog of late have been less than 140 characters. Do you realize what this means?

I've been twitterized. Anything I have to say can probably be said in a tweet.

So let it be written.

So let it be done.

http://twitter.com/holdinator

My place, in which Josh once again Puts Me

2010-10-04T09:49:00.001-07:00

"Daddy, stop trying to pretend to be funny."

Getting Really Excited, in which we Blog about BYU Football

2010-08-24T17:56:00.000-07:00

Or mostly this. As a freshman at BYU, the biggest news story of the year was this. You need to read the whole thing.

I looked for reaction to this story, and came across this.

And this.

Here's one of my favorites.

Another.

But the best reaction by far came in my Gospel and Christian History class, in which the late Professor Paul Peterson apologized one day to the class by saying, "I'm sorry. I'm a bit discombobulated today, you see, I was hit by a flying tortilla on the way to class." When a student asked him if it hurt, he answered, "Well, it would have hurt an ordinary man."

Bring on football season.

Another Conversation, in Which Josh said:

2010-07-24T08:01:00.001-07:00

"Dad, they lie what they say about Reeses Puffs. They say that when you eat them, amazing things happen. I ate them once, and nothing cool happened."

BRT, in which we Have This Conversation:

2010-06-27T03:33:00.000-07:00

Me: I broke a drum stick.
Elder Holdaway: Huh?
Me: I broke a drum stick. Playing the drums. The boys asked me to play the Power Rangers theme song, so I did, and I broke a drum stick.
Elder Holdaway: But I thought you hadn't played drums in two years.
Me: I hadn't, but then on a whim I set up my drums and, well, there you go. By the way, I had totally forgotten how it feels to break a stick. It's really satisfying.
Elder Holdaway: Everyone always said I played too loud, or too hard.
Me: Or too fast?
Elder Holdaway: Yeah! Or too fast.
Me: I still do.
Elder Holdaway: Good. Good for you.

Dad, in which We Honor Him

2010-06-19T08:32:00.001-07:00

Soon enough, Elder Holdaway will make another appearance, and we'll chat.

But today, with Father's Day being tomorrow, this:

"They broke my watch."

"Who wants an orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips!"

"Uh, Bob, uh, I think we've got a little problem."

"Are you the police?" "No, ma'am, we're musicians."

"You got my cheeze whiz, boy?"

"Hi, uh, what car number are we?" "Five five" "Car fifty-five, um, we're in a truck."

"This is glue. Strong stuff."

"I've always loved you."

"There's a lot of space in this mall."

"Four fried chickens, and a Coke."

"It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses." "Hit it."

"Jake, Jake, I gotta pull over."

Ten Years Old, in which I Finally Found It

2010-05-28T06:11:00.000-07:00

I vividly remember the BYU Bookstore, and this cassette tape, it was white, and had only one song. At ten years old, I was absolutely obsessed with BYU Football (not much has changed in twenty years), and this was one of the greatest things I had ever found.

But I lost the tape. I haven't heard the song in fifteen years, at least. But then last night, after numerous attempts to do so, I finally found it.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and indeed girls, I give you Ty Power!!

It's Hot, in which Elder Holdaway and I talk about it

2010-05-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

Elder Holdaway: What are you wearing?
Me: I'm in my own house.
Elder Holdaway: Yeah, but what if someone comes over?
Me: I'd change before I answer the door.
Elder Holdaway: Oh, good. That's better than nothing.
Me: (smiling) Yeah it is. You're thinking about Brother G and Brother H in Lansing South?
Elder Holdaway: Yes! They are endowed members of the church! And they just hang out with their families with no shirts on! That's so weird.
Me: Meh. You're 19 years old and weigh 145 pounds. In ten years you'll be 55 pounds heavier, and your threshold for tolerating heat will have dropped a lot. You'll have a little bit more empathy for Brothers G and H.
Elder Holdaway: Uh. Whatever.
Me: Oh, that reminds me, have you lost your keys in ...
Elder Holdaway: The naked man's couch?! Yes! Now that guy was, uh ...
Me: Totally uncalled for. What about Josh? Have you met him yet?
Elder Holdaway: Josh?
Me: No, huh? I'll just say this, don't take it personally when he's offended that you won't let him take you to Hell.
Elder Holdaway: (Looking perplexed)
Me: Think about it. Enjoy everything about Jackson; you'll miss it when you leave.

Slighted, in Which A Commercial is Created

2010-04-20T06:30:00.000-07:00

You know those NBA commercials, the ones where they use sound bites from players' interviews to create a song? You know how there are never any Jazz players featured in those commercials, save for brief visual clips?

We (Jess and I) came up with an idea for the Jazz to duplicate those commercials on their own.

The sound bites could all come from last night's game, and wouldn't feature interviews with current active players, but instead would feature (mostly) Matt Harpring's color commentary.

Picture an assortment of clips of amazing plays put to a hip hop beat with these "lyrics":

Harpring: That was a good foul. A good foul. Not silly. They have to avoid the silly fouls...

Avoid the silly... the silly... avoid the silly fouls.

Ron Boone: Just look for the orange shoes.

Harpring: They're yellow.

Boone: Are they yellow?

Harpring: They're yellow.

Boone: Look for the orange... the orange shoes.

Harpring: Avoid the silly... they're yellow... yellow.

Pace Mannion: He has to do something offensively... He has to... He has to... offensively... He has to do something offensively.

Harpring: Now that one was a silly foul... silly... silly... He fell right on him bum... Now that was a silly foul... on his bum... avoid the silly fouls.

Jazz Links, in which I link to one thing and mention two others

2010-04-16T22:02:00.000-07:00

First of all, according to nba.com, the greatest play of the 2009-2010 season ...

Was this.

Second of all, both Bill Simmons and John Hollinger have the Jazz beating, not only the Nuggets in the first round, but the Lakers in the second round, and then losing to the Suns in the Western Conference finals.

(Both also base their predictions on the Jazz getting Andrei back--dang it!)

I'm Just Saying: in which I could be as Handy as Handy Manny

2010-03-22T07:19:00.000-07:00

If I had tools that did all the work for me.

I'm Serious! in which Joshua is not pleased when I laugh at things he says

2010-03-19T20:38:00.000-07:00

I hate having fights with Josh. It's just not a pleasant thing. If there is one positive that comes of it, though, it is the opportunity afterward to have an open and honest discussion about what happened.

Which inspired this exchange:

Josh: When I lose my temper, I get grounded from things, like the Wii and TV.
Me: Mm-hm.
Josh: But when you lose your temper, you don't get grounded, and that's not fair.
Me: What do you think I should be grounded from?
Josh: I don't know, like maybe doing laundry.

Dear Annie, in which I write a letter to our dog

2010-03-14T08:21:00.000-07:00

Whatever instinct it is that drives you to roll in your own poop, I urge you to resist it.

Thank you,

Your Faithful (though grossed out) owner

Pricing, in which we undercover our home's value

2010-03-13T18:44:00.000-08:00

Or at least some parts of the home.

It appears that our front door costs 100 cents. This is according to a little piece of paper that was taped to it, presumably by a budding five-year-old appraiser.

If we ever sell the house, I hope the back door is worth a little more.

Existentialism II in which Elder Holdaway Agrees to another Conversation

2010-03-02T20:41:00.000-08:00

Brian: Dude! You've got to see this!
Elder Holdaway: What is it?
Brian: It's from a kids' show; this is the kind of stuff my kids watch on TV.
Elder Holdaway: Ooh! Is it Cartoon Planet?
Brian: Nope. Better.
Elder Holdaway: Better than Cartoon Planet? How is that possible? What? Do you like Johnny Bravo more now? Or the Power Puff Girls?
Brian: Just watch.
Elder Holdaway: Oh ... my ... That was AWESOME!!!
Brian: I thought you'd like it.
Elder Holdaway: Maybe you're not so weird after all.

Old Man, in which Holdinator blogs about ...

2010-02-15T20:42:00.000-08:00

Mix tapes.

Do you remember mix tapes? Like when you would spent an entire afternoon making a mix tape for your friend of your favorite songs? Or when you would make a mix tape for driving, and you would listen to it every time you drove your car for the next six months?

This was a very involved process. You had to sort through your CD collection, and pick out which CD's you wanted to use, then you would have to put them in your stereo individually, go to the song you want to record, and press play on the CD and record on the tape deck at the same time. Getting the right amount of time in between songs was crucial.

You would develop this very intimate connection to the mix tape, because you listened to every song all the way through as you were recording it. And that was awesome. You were experiencing, for the first time, the feel and the personality of that tape. Whether for you or someone else, that tape meant a lot.

I think the last mix tape I made was one for Jess, when we were dating, in 2002.

Now we make playlists on iTunes. Very cool technology, but you don't know how it's going to sound until it's playing on your iPod and then you can skip through songs, or have them play randomly. And playlists can be hours long with nearly unlimited songs.

With mix tapes, you had 60, maybe 90, minutes of music, and you listened to every song all the way through, because if you tried to fast forward through a song, you might miss some of the next song, which was one that you really liked, and you'd have to rewind then.

And you loved every song on those tapes. And life was good.

Representation, in which we do our taxes

2010-02-05T21:45:00.001-08:00

Tonight is my annual spend-more-time-on-the-computer-than-any-other-time-during-the-year night.

Turbo Tax is a wonderful product.

Go over there, in which we link to a really good blog

2010-01-27T07:58:00.000-08:00

If you consider yourself to be among the sometimes-tortured Utah Jazz fan base, then do yourself a favor and read this.

Sports Nerd, in which Holdinator writes this post:

2010-01-24T07:51:00.000-08:00

The Jazz won. Hooray! They didn't give up a gimme to the worst team in the NBA. Maybe they really have turned a corner. (I hope I hope I hope I hope)

BYU's basketball team is 20-1. Jimmer Fredette is a machine!

The Colt's have a chance to go to the super bowl, and all they have to do is beat the Jets. They can do it. Only 4 hours until the game starts.

Aaaaaand, I'm a dork.

Joshyism, in which I was corrected thusly:

2010-01-11T07:09:00.000-08:00

"Superman doesn't use his super speed to eat fast, he uses his super speed to defeat villains."

2010-01-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

Remember back then, when I said that I wanted to be a life coach?

Me neither.

Actually I do. But that's because I write this dang thing.

Anyway, I just came from a website of a life coach and read up on the fees she charges....

$500.00 a (!!!!) month!

For one client.

"Ok, suck that air in, now blow it out. That's right, that's how you live."

Dude. I really do need to be a life coach.That, or the Jazz should have signed me to be their thirteenth player. Seriously, I would be happy to go to all the games, wear a suit, and sit behind the players' bench.

Oh, and get paid whatever the lowest salary is for an NBA player who never plays.

(i.e. much more than I get paid now)

Existentialism, in which Holdiantor meets himself

2009-12-25T20:45:00.000-08:00

Brian (2009 me): Have you ever noticed how Isiah Thomas's first name is spelled?
Elder Holdaway (1999 me): Huh?
Brian: Have you ever noticed the spelling of Isiah Thomas's first name? It shouldn't really be pronounced eye-zae-yah, it's more eye-zeeyah.
Elder Holdaway: Who are you?
Brian: I'm future you.
Elder Holdaway: No way. You're wearing a BYU tee-shirt.
Brian: Yep. I like to support my Alma Mater.
Elder Holdaway: Your what?
Brian: I graduated from BYU a couple years ago.
Elder Holdaway: But BYU's in Provo. You're supposed to be living in Orange County.
Brian: About that, um, nope. I have never lived in Orange County.
Elder Holdaway: Okay, then Venice, Santa Monica, or anywhere in Southern California?
Brian: (shrugs)
Elder Holdaway: What happened? Where are Spencer and Aaron?
Brian: Spencer is applying for PhD programs and Aaron lives out east and works for the government. I think he's considering law school.
Elder Holdaway: (head explodes)
Brian: Here, no, it's okay. You never answered my question about Isiah Thomas. It's one of those names that you'd just assume is spelled like the common English spelling of the Biblical Isaiah, but it's not. Weird, huh? Of course the English spelling is so far from the actual sound of the Hebrew name, I guess it doesn't matter how you spell it. It's nothing like the name Joshua, even though the two mean basically the same thing, and it would be kind of funny to name one son Joshua and another Isaiah, secretly knowing that you've named them the same thing.
Elder Holdaway: You're weird. Since when have you cared about Isiah Thomas?
Brian: Since I got The Book of Basketball for Christmas.
Elder Holdaway: The what?
Brian: It's a book by an espn.com writer all about the NBA.
Elder Holdaway: Who gave you that?
Brian: My brother-in-law.
Elder Holdaway: Chris?
Brian: No, his name's Jared. He's Jessica's younger brother.
Elder Holdaway: Jessica?
Brian: My beautiful wife.
Elder Holdaway: You're married?
Brian: And daddy to three little boys.
Elder Holdaway: Wow, your music career must have really taken off.
Brian: Um, I haven't played the drums in two years.
Elder Holdaway: (if head hadn't exploded earlier, well, you know)
Brian: (grins)
Elder Holdaway: So what else did you get for Christmas?
Brian: Stuff to decorate the sports room with. BYU stuff, Utah Jazz stuff, and a Colts' helmet decal. They were my fantasy defense for most the year, and treated me pretty well.
Elder Holdaway: I understood maybe half of that. You are 29 right, not 12?
Brian: Don't worry about it. You have ten years to figure it all out.
Elder Holdaway: I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm not sure how I feel about you.
Brian: You'll get used to me. You'll figure out how fun it is to be a little geeky about something, like memorizing the testimonies from Special Witnesses, and from there you'll get this insatiable desire to be around and read from those who are a little over-the-top in their obsession with .... really whatever.
Elder Holdaway: I've gotta go.

That's Better, in which I finally Feel Like it's Christmas Time

2009-12-20T09:36:00.000-08:00

I couldn't figure out why it didn't feel like Christmas time. Then I discovered this.

Now I feel much better.

First Discussion, in which this conversation took place:

2009-12-13T20:24:00.000-08:00

Me: "Joshua, it's time for bed. I love you. Good night."
Joshua: "Good night Daddy." walks around the corner to head to his bedroom but stops.
Me: (hearing whipsering) "Joshua, why are you whispering?"
Joshua: (after a few moments of more whispering) "I was saying a prayer. Prayers are good, huh?"
Me: "Yes. Prayers are really good. I'm glad you were saying one. Good night pal."
Joshua: "Daddy, there's just one thing I want to talk to you about before I go to bed."
Me: "What's that?"
Joshua: "I want to talk to you about the scriptures."
Me: "Ok, what about the scriptures do you want to talk about?"
Joshua: "How did Heavenly Father create the earth? Tell me everything about Heavenly Father and Jesus. Why did Jesus come to earth?"
Me: "Most people believe in a supreme being, though they may call him by different names ..."

No, that's not what I said, but everything else is accurate.

Awesome.

Yule, in which we visit (or revisit) this:

2009-12-13T07:48:00.001-08:00

The Jury is Out, in which this conversation may or may not have taken place:

2009-12-03T19:06:00.000-08:00

Girl in Joshua's Kindergarten class (aka The Troublemaker): "Josh, I think I'm in love with you."
Joshua: "Hoo-wow! Not bad."

Handshakes All Around! in which We remember 10 years Ago

2009-11-23T20:18:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow.

Though I remember 10 years ago right about this time too. We were at a bowling alley. I was wearing a Jeffrie's Fan Club t-shirt. It was 1999, and things were about to change for me forever.

The next day, November 24th, the day before Thanksgiving, my parents drove me a few miles east of our house and dropped me off to live for three weeks before flying out to Michigan for two years.

I'm not sure about this, but I think that year was the only time they had any incoming missionaries the day before Thanksgiving.

Our first full day we spent going to devotionals, hanging out with nothing to do, and watching Legacy. I'm sure they thought this was a good idea, but observing hundreds of young men recently separated from their girlfriends watching the kissing scenes was kind of depressing.

Ten years. Whew!

And then, there was that time a few days before leaving the MTC that Mikey, Aaron, and Spencer visited me. We have a picture of the four of us (fully clothed) in the "tree of life" showers.

How did I get away with that?

Mom sent me cinnamon rolls one day. And that was awesome.

I weighed 140 pounds.

And Out Come the Wolves, in which I decide this is the greatest punk album of all time

2009-11-18T02:46:00.000-08:00

Really. It is.

"Ah, turn it up!"

"Oy oy oy!"

"Na na na na, na na na na, na na na!"

"The radio was playin', Desmond Dekker was singin'..."

Journey to the End of East Bay's bass line and concise telling of the Operation Ivy story: "Four kids on tour, three thousand miles, in a four door car, not know what was goin' on."

"Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac..."

"Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby Soho!"

That's evidence enough.

Red Head, in which Joshua wears a red beanie to school for Red Ribbon Week

2009-10-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

We pulled up to Joshua's school, and before getting out of the van, Josh played a little game with Jack to make him laugh. As he hopped out of the van he said to me, "Take care of him for me."

"I will, dude."

29 years in the Making, in which Holdinator has a birthday

2009-09-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

It took me 29 years, but I finally reached my star birthday.

I was hoping that for my birthday the Carolina Panthers would light up the Dallas Cowboys' defense, because then I would have won in fantasy football this week. But that didn't happen.

It's my own fault though, I guess. I'm the one with Frank Gore as a running back (left the game after one carry with an injury) and TO as one of my receivers (first time in many years that he didn't catch a single pass in a game). At least my quarterback, Jay Cutler, is making some improvements from his first game this season.

If you can't tell, during my 29th year of life I discovered another way to be a geek.

66, in which Holdinator misses his Dad

2009-09-25T16:40:00.001-07:00

Today is my Dad's 66th birthday. It's really strange that he's not here for us to celebrate it with him.

My intent in posting about this today is very different from my other posts on this blog. Probably for the first time I'm posting solely because I know my family will appreciate these thoughts, and not for any other reason.
Dad isn't in very many pictures, and there's a good (but really not-so-good) reason for that.

Dad is the photographer. He instilled in every one of his children an appreciation for a good photo. He reveled in my taking a photography class as a senior in high school. He helped me create beautiful pictures for my projects, and let me use his really nice camera that semester.

Probably he instilled in each of us an appreciation for goofy pictures. The fish eye lens was a favorite of ours. I don't have any of those pictures here. But we all remember.

There's one of those shirts David talked about at Dad's funeral.
Here's a favorite in our house. In spite of how his appearance changed throughout the last years of his life, his smile was constant.
Each of the kids has adopted a Rich-ism or a few. I find myself almost every day making one of the mini-Holdinators laugh using a game, a face, or a noise that I learned from their Papa. I hope that I don't forget to give him credit.
Jack's memories of Papa. He'll absolutely remember him. We will make sure of that.

13 months ago Papa came to the hospital to meet his little grandson.
19 weeks ago this evening I took Jack with me to the hospital. We were told we needed to hurry. I went through a number of reasons in my head why we would need to hurry, but that we wouldn't be able to talk to Dad or give him a blessing did not occur to me.

It couldn't occur to me.

I was holding Jack at the receptionists' desk in the ER. The look of realization on their faces when I told them who I was, it was a look of sudden quiet and lack of rushing in the midst of a place where everyone was rushing to do everything (why would they slowly lead us to his room? I thought) should have been indicative of the reality of the situation.

It was very comforting, to me, to have Jack there. I could hold him as tight as I wanted, and he didn't mind. Jack didn't know what was going on, but he was good for a lot of hugs; somehow instinctively he understood his role that night. Love and be loved.

Papa made all of his grandkids laugh. That was what he did best with them.

That was one of the things he did best with everyone.

5 glasses during dinner, in which Holdinator learns that he can drink a lot of apple juice

2009-09-05T07:06:00.000-07:00

Doggie Sneezes, in which Holdinator thinks a bug flew up Annie's nose

2009-09-01T23:03:00.001-07:00

I feel kind of bad, but it was really funny.As you can tell, she's not terribly impressed with my posting about this.

And now for something completely different.

"Dude, this is my first day of Kindergarten. Just chill, ok?""Where's my cupcake? I just had it!"
-Insert your own witty comment here-

Poets Have Day (or Night) Jobs, in which Holdinator blogs about The Undertaking

2009-08-23T09:29:00.000-07:00

The chapter in The Undertaking was about children and parenting.

And death.

Because the book is about death, and being a funeral director, and being a poet, and living in a small Michigan town, and life.

It is a much better book than Stiff.

At least, in my opinion.

And I would imagine that most people who are in the temporal proximity of losing someone dear to them would agree.

It's sufficient to say that after having read this book I am appreciative of the work of someone who embalms rather than abhorred by it.

Fodder, in which Holdinator graciously answers a question from his older sister

2009-08-09T20:56:00.001-07:00

Who is Dan Belnap?

Don't feel too bad. There is at least one of his fellow faculty members who doesn't know who he is.

But I'm pretty sure the BS (Biblical Studies, is that abbreviation accidental? I have no definitive answer for that; however, our club at BYU was abbreviated thusly: SANE [Students of the Ancient Near East]) graduate students and PhD's on the Bloggernacle know who he is.

I've left the Bloggernacle behind, mostly.

I think my departure coincided with my departure from Saturn, which also coincidentally (not so much really) coincided with the end of my days sitting in front of an internet-limited-but-blogs-still-allowable-computer all day.

He, Dan Belnap that is (this is all off the top of my head), is an assistant professor of Ancient Scripture at BYU.

His PhD is in Near Eastern Languages, University of Chicago. His dissertation was about the ritual use of liquids in the Old Testament and other ancient Semitic cultures (Ugaritic and others). ... I think.

I know he has at least three children. He taught Seminary for a while.

He is an expert on the seating postures of Latter-day Saint men and boys.

He prefers large print scriptures, not a quad but separate Bible and Triple Combination.

His class exams offer the students an opportunity to really demonstrate their grasp of the issues in the texts.

Thus we have spilled my memory.

Completion, in which Holdinator tells some of the rest of the story

2009-08-09T06:18:00.000-07:00

I still have five songs total on my iPod. The playlist called "Jack's Sedatives."

Some may say I'm not a very practical man. I may not be. I may be.

The five songs are lullabies, in their own way, for Jack. I mostly only use two of the songs.

My iPod could do its job with only two songs.

One would probably work too. But then I would have to change the name of the playlist to "Jack's Sedative."

The soothingest song for Jack, when I'm in charge of getting the little guy to bed, is "Hope" by Jack Johnson.

And that is why my night, the other night, started, as usual, with Jack and Jack.

Jessica works nights, and on rare occasion I stay up most the night too--just at home. Ideally it's because I'm doing something really useful.

Like working on the library.

You know, categorizing and alphabetizing books.

We have:

Four book cases of fiction, two of those are fantasy, two thirds of one we consider Classics, and the rest are just ... fiction.

One book case of General Inspirational, whatever that is.

Two book cases of Old Testament and Near Eastern Studies. I got stuck here, that night, happily remembering my days at BYU. It was from Dan Belnap that the term "Near East" first struck a chord.

Two book cases of New Testament and Christian History

One book case dedicated mostly to scriptures: different versions of the Bible, and older versions of the Book of Mormon, and a copy of the Koran, two of the Bhagavad-Gita, a collection of the teachings of the Buddha, etc.

One bookcase for biography. It was here that I stopped to read a chapter from The Undertaking by Thomas Lynch, a poet/funeral director. Jessica was the one who suggested I make a bookcase specifically for biographies. I was surprised to see it fill up.

Then there are the Book of Mormon/Doctrine and Covenants/Church History books. They take up the rest.

Jack joined me for part of the night. That's usually about the time that I go full circle and end the night with Jack and Jack.

I wasn't planning on getting much rest anyway.

Prolegomena, in which Holdinator considers different lines with which to open the story of his evening

2009-07-31T23:38:00.000-07:00

1. It usually begins with Jack and Jack.

2. My iPod has a total of five songs.

3. It was from Dan Belnap that the words, "Near East," first struck a chord.

4. It was Jessica's suggestion that I create a book case specifically for biographies.

5. At one point I stopped to read a chapter from The Undertaking.

6. I had planned on not getting much rest.

Which one would most likely cause you to keep reading? Even if there were no pictures and the post went on for many paragraphs?

Politics, in which Holdinator gets unsolicited email from this guy:

2009-07-29T09:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Fred ThompsonPAC,

Holdinator is registered in the state of Utah as "unaffiliated."

I guess that's all. This is as political as I will ever get.

The Social Networking Site for Book Lovers in which Holdinator Discovers something about the Demographics of goodreads.com

2009-07-24T06:53:00.000-07:00

The first social networking site I ever joined, before facebook and twitter ... uh, I think those are the only ones I've joined otherwise. And I haven't been back to twitter since the day I first signed up. I go on facebook every few days or so, certainly not multiple times a day, likely largely because I don't have internet access at work.

Back to our regularly scheduled posting:

The first site I ever joined was Goodreads.com, a site where you can list books you've read, are reading, and plan on reading, and rate them. Your friends do the same thing, and you can discuss books, write reviews, and other things.

Today when I got on the site I went to a page I hadn't visited before, it was the "Best Books Ever" page. I discovered something about the demographic of this site from this page. Click on the link above and tell me what group of people likely frequents Goodreads more than any other.

It would appear that I fit the mold of the Goodreads crowd.

Congratulations David Locke in which Holdinator Voices his Support for the new Jazz play-by-play dude

2009-07-20T20:51:00.001-07:00

Not that what I think matters, but after reading the comments on this short news story, dude, I had to say something.

So here it is. The voice of Hot Rod Hundley has been synonymous with Utah Jazz basketball for the entire existence of the franchise in Salt Lake City. Back in my Jazz-fanatic days when I played Jr. Jazz, collected basketball cards, and idolized Blue Edwards, Hot Rod was the TV announcer and I loved to listen to him call the games. I had no idea, and still really don't, what "hippity hop the bell hop dribble" means, but it was really cool to listen to anyway.

A couple years ago, when I started following the Jazz closely again, I discovered that Hot Rod still called the games, but just on the radio. As it happens, we don't have cable or satelite TV in our home, so anytime Jazz games are not on KJZZ, the radio is how I followed the action, and it was a pleasure to listen to that familiar voice use the same goofy phrases attached to different names (now it was D-Will hippity hopping the bell hop dribble instead of Stockton). But then one day this past season Hot Rod took the day off for some reason, and his replacement on the radio was David Locke, host of 1320 KFAN's Locked on Sports and an amazing NBA analyst.

Quite honestly, it was one of the most enjoyable radio broadcasts I have ever listened to. Locke has energy, a lot of energy, and passion for the game, and specifically for the Jazz. He is obsessed with statistics and understands the personalities of the players, and brings it all to the table when he calls the games. He is entertaining and really very interesting. His radio show can be intellectually stimulating because he includes in his arguments extensive research in addition to his very strong opinions. Someone on the KSL comment thread mentioned above compared him to ESPN's Colin Cowherd, but nothing could be less accurate. Cowherd thinks a lot of himself, talks about himself all the time, and formulates his arguments using cocktails and hot tubs as analogies. Locke brings thoughtful statistics and articulate analysis.

Oh, and David Locke is already a Jazz fan. He's one of us, who listened to Hot Rod growing up and thought to himself that he wanted to do what Rod Hundley did someday. Locke is a no-apologies Utah Jazz fan, and can express what thousands of other Jazz fans are feeling with unmatched passion (like during the first round of the playoffs this last season when his war cry was simply, "Beat the freakin' Lakers!!").

When I heard that Hot Rod was retiring (by the way, I heard it when he first announced it, and it happened to be on Locked on Sports that he announced it) my thought was that it was appropo that he would announce his retirement on Locke's show, because it was likely that Locke would be the next play-by-play guy.

And that prospect excited me.

Locke was the first to admit, during his show today when someone calling in said something about his replacing Hot Rod, that Hot Rod would not, could not, be replaced. "No one replaces Hot Rod Hundley," he said, "If the Jazz could retire radio play-by-play with Hot Rod, they would." But someone needed to take over, and in my humble, but very strong opinion, the best choice for the job is the man who got the job.

From the comments on KSL, it seems that most people object to Locke's voice. They claim that they won't listen, and in some cases won't support sponsors, because Locke's voice is high-pitched.

Really? You are going to miss out on passionate, well-thought out, extensively researched, articulate game calling because his voice is high?

That's too bad.

I say, You'll do awesome Locke. I look forward to many seasons of Jazz basketball with you as my play-by-play guy.

Baby Names? in which Holdinator finds this list in Jessica's handwriting on their computer desk:

2009-07-16T03:43:00.000-07:00

Myke
Rich
Patricia
Denise
Jiri
Sheryl
Ellycia
Wendy
Amy
Penny
Maryann
Tracy
Joe (beard)
Joe
Linda
Jocelyn
Jeffrey
Ugly Frog
Jenn
Kevin
Tim
Christine
Val
Jodi
Karla
Nacho Gomez
Wendy J
Amy T
Dreamer Enchanted
Brenda B
Jeanne
Julia
Candice
Cheab

But here's the thing: she's not pregnant.

Remembering this, in which Holdinator loved to pretend to be Jeff

2009-07-10T20:27:00.001-07:00

The Inept Homeowner, in which Holdinator breaks the Sprinklers

2009-07-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

Bless her.

That's all I can say, really. She puts up with a heck of a lot, and so bless her.

That's not to say she wasn't aware of what she was getting into.

You see, when we were dating/engaged (somewhere in there) her car had a problem. I think there was a cable that came loose from the battery. Her dad spent no less than a half hour on the phone with me trying, very patiently, to describe where I should look under the hood to find this cable and reconnect it.

Total time project should have taken: 30 seconds

Total time project took in my hands: 45 minutes (because it took me 15 minutes to find the latch to release the hood)

So when we had a simple sprinkler repair in our front flower bed, and I decided I would investigate and be the superman I ought to be, I unearthed fifteen feet of sprinkler pipe looking for the place where I could unscrew the pipe from the rest of the pipe and take it to Home Depot to find a replacement.

Except that sprinkler pipe isn't screwed together, it's all glued together with these connector things or whatever ("Duh, dork," you're thinking). So all it took was sawing off a couple inches and gluing a new piece in place. Thanks to her brother, that was taken care of a month ago.

Thanks to me, it still doesn't work, because when I got that fifteen feet out, I broke the pipe somewhere else, and now ... well, I tried to at least bury the pipe so it wouldn't be sticking up out of the ground anymore, but the middle of it won't stay under the dirt.

I LOVE YOU JESSICA!

thanks for putting up with me

The Tale of A Weekend in which Holdinator reads two books

2009-07-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

I finished two books this weekend.

No joke.

They were both a part of that LDS fiction club of books that we sell at Seagull.

I won't tell you about them.

But I will tell you about the book I'm reading now!

Actually just this much: it's freaking awesome.

This

2009-06-28T21:27:00.001-07:00

Is it just me, or did that last comment thread seem a little one sided?

Sundry Books meet Concrete

2009-06-23T18:31:00.000-07:00

I'm really clumsy.

I don't know if I've told you this before.

Probably.

This morning walking out to my car, I stepped on a divot in our front lawn, turned my ankle, and dropped my load of books into the middle of the street.

You see, I'm thinking that I need to get back into studying Hebrew, so I had my Hebrew Bible, a lexicon, a grammar, and a set of scriptures in my arms. I thought I would study them during lunch breaks at work.

I landed on my arm, I guess, and somehow strained a tricep. I've been hobbling around all day.

I hope my Hebrew skills aren't too rusty.

From Le Guin's The Other Wind

2009-06-16T07:10:00.000-07:00

I'm enjoying some toast made with homemade bread compliments of our wonderful next door neighbor.

And I wanted to share this with you all.

"And it being his royal buttocks that sat on the uncushioned throne, his critics did not get the last word on the matter" p 150.

Gene

2009-06-14T17:55:00.001-07:00

Oh deary deary dear.

Someone Found It!

2009-06-13T06:27:00.000-07:00

It may have been after a long journey seeking for wisdom. Struggling up the side of a steep mountain and finding the house of knowledge at the top.

And inside was this.

And yes, I would advise you to imagine the guru dressed like a certain BYU professor who wears thick glasses, bow ties, and high waters.

Eleven years ago on this day, June 13th, my friends and I went to what was supposed to be an outdoor concert called Mutiny on the Beach. The Aquabats were headlining.

It was a cold rainy day, so the show was moved to Salt Air.

We left early, before the Aquabats played, in part because to stay we would have had to suffer through an entire set from some band called Cannibal Corpse, or Cannibal Cafe, or something to do with cannibalism.

The lead singer wore leather pants and no shirt over his ghastly-white belly. But his waist-length greasy black hair covered his face. The keyboardist, or maybe it was the guy playing the electric drum set, wore a gas mask. And the one song we listened to before deciding enduring more bands like this (there were six or something) wasn't worth it, had one line, and one line only.

"You make me ... do this!"

over and over and over

Happy Mutiny on the Beach Day!!

201

2009-06-05T22:19:00.000-07:00

My 200th post was that last one.

Just so you know.

Well, it's the one below this one.

I need to go clean out the van and put away some laundry.

Is This the One that's supposed to be Sick?

2009-06-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

Joshua suddenly screamed, "My ear!!"

"What's wrong, dude?" I asked.

"My ear!! It hurts!! Owww!!"

So I made him an appointment with the doctor, which was set for 3 hours away, and gave him a dose of Motrin.

By the time we made it to the doctor's office, the pain killer had kicked in, and he spent the few minutes in the waiting room doing somersaults, cart wheels, and giving precocious answers to a teenage patient and her mom about the coolness of the toy in the middle of the waiting room.

Then when the doctor (a man Josh had never met) came into the exam room and called Josh by his name, he said with a hint of suspicion in his voice, "How do you know my name?"

One Cool Thing

2009-05-30T03:57:00.000-07:00

About being sick and losing my voice is that I can sing along a lot better with Dicky Barrett.

Unexpected

2009-05-16T05:30:00.000-07:00

There's not really a good way to write about this.

Yesterday I was trying to get a hold of my mom, which usually is not very difficult, what with cell phones and everything. I finally reached her and found out that she was at the hospital with my dad (a not too rare thing, quite honestly), that he had to go to the emergency room.

This time was different than the other times he went there, though. This was the last time he would go to the hospital. After so many times spending days or weeks in a hospital bed, putting up with the food, battling through fevers and pain unimaginable, three failing kidneys, infections, pneumonia, and so much else, he was apparently not going to do that again, because he just left.

Left his body behind.

This photo was taken a few months ago, the day of Jack's baby blessing. This is one of our favorites. He's talking cars with one of Jessica's brothers. We are all really glad that he's been having good days lately. In fact, just this past Sunday, Mother's Day, we all got together and he was in fantastic form, giving J a bad time about putting milk on her cake, looking at our brother-in-law's Jeep with him to diagnose a problem with it, playing with his grandkids at a park ...

How fortunate for us that we get to remember him that way.

Gene pool

2009-04-29T10:19:00.000-07:00

I realized something the other day. To illustrate my epiphany, a story.

I was assembling something that came with instructions, and as I pulled the different pieces out of the box, Morgan quickly picked up a piece and showed me where it went. It was the part to assemble. He just knew. And he was right.

Joshua, on the other hand, during the 20 or so minutes while I was putting the rest of the thing together, was carefully studying the pictures in the instructions (or "constructions" as he calls them, though in my hands they may as well be called destructions). Just as I was finishing the assembling of the project, Joshua took the same piece Morgan had and said, "I think this goes here," showing me the same thing Morgan had shown me just by looking at the stuff.

And so, I regret to inform you that Joshua has inherited my talents and inabilities when it comes to common things dudes are supposed to be able to do. Whereas Morgan has inherited the mad skills of J's brothers, one of whom overhauled an engine or replaced a transmission or something when he was 10.

Sorry, Josh.

Yeah, But what about when it really happens

2009-04-26T17:44:00.000-07:00

I'm all about talking the talk.

In Elders' Quorum today we discussed Elder Wirthlin's last Conference talk, "Come What May and Love It," and I made some comments about how we should enjoy the every day things that we do with our families, particularly our children, who can sometimes be a little frustrating.

Then this evening, as J was getting ready to go to work, we came upstairs to find Morgan hysterical and saying something about, "Clean it up, Daddy!"

We followed him into the bathroom where there was an inch of water on the floor. He had put nearly an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet and flushed.

This is something we have tried to help him learn not to do, inasmuch as he is currently in potty training mode and these kinds of temptations are around. But he doesn't learn such things very easily.

Or, at all.

I got most of the water mopped up and then went to try and fix the toilet. In my attempts to do so, more water ended up on the floor, which I cleaned up.

(Oh, all this while poor little Jack had to sit in his high chair and try to be entertained, though he was really in the mood to be held.)

Just when I was very nearly done mopping up the water for the second time, Morgan came running toward me there in the bathroom (I do not know what for), slipped, and knocked the mop bucket of dirty toilet water over.

Yeah, come what may, and love it.

Maybe tomorrow.

Monkey and Monster Both Start with ...

2009-04-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

My kids are watching Word World.

Just about every day as I'm doing whatever it is I do each day, I think, as things are happening, ooh, I should blog about this.

Then I get home and the moment is far gone, and either the thing doesn't seem that interesting anymore, or I can't remember what profound and eloquent things I wanted to say about it.

Oh, by the way, you will no longer find me at the Seagull Book in Orem or American Fork (where I spent two blog post-less weeks, not that there wasn't anything worthy of blogging (see above)), but you will find me at the South Towne (pronounced Town-ee I'm pretty sure) Seagull Book. As of this past Monday that's where I've been assigned as store manager, no longer in training.

Here is something though, I'm going to try to get a picture if I can.

Never mind, actually you can sometimes mind if you want, but it's no mind right now. I'm going to go ahead and take my own fatherly advice to not disturb him if he's playing nicely; advice that usually sounds like this: "Joshua, put him down! If he's playing happily there is no reason to pick him up and distract him."

The picture would have been of Jack's fat lip. He's got two sharp little teeth on the bottom of his mouth that met with his upper lip when his hands slipped out from under him as he was crawling and his chin hit the floor. His lip is huge; it makes him look really pitiful. Poor guy.

2009-04-05T21:09:00.000-07:00

I googled my name.

There is a cardiologist in Maryland that shares my name.

And an attorney... somewhere.

Sometime I'll have to write about my dislike of phone conversations.

Extreme dislike, that is.

I've Only Been Golfing Three Times in My Life

2009-03-10T06:50:00.000-07:00

But if I took it up, I might excel at it.

And this is why:

Jessica has incredible reflexes. One night when Mini Holdinator #1 (otherwise known as Joshua) was an infant and still sleeping in a rocking cradle, Jessica bolted out of bed, out of a deep sleep, and caught him as he was pulling himself up in the cradle thereby causing it to rock and nearly dump him out on the floor. It was incredible! The cradle was at the foot of the bed, so the speed with which she did this was nothing short of amazing.

The other night I was up with Jack, and I got hungry, so I poured myself a bowl of cereal. Suddenly the bowl was slowly moving across the table top and on its way to the edge. Then it fell off and into my lap. This was of course because I knocked it off the table somehow (I'm really not sure how), but I had plenty of time to do something about it, I guess. But I couldn't. I just don't have the reflexes.

Then to top it off, after it fell and got cold, wet cereal in my lap, I considered the situation and the predicament that I was in, then I thought for a few seconds about what I should do. I considered my options: What should I clean up first? How would I clean it up? Would I use my hands to pick up the fallen cereal, or go get a paper towel for the whole thing?

Before I did much of anything, I changed my facebook status to reflect the situation I was in, because apparently comedy trumps all action.

And this is a problem with me. I don't react. And I know it drives Jessica mad sometimes. If Jack spits up all over her, I'll tilt my head and take in the scene, and consider whether a paper towel, s dish towel, or a baby wipe will best remedy the problem. She just wants me to do something.

This is probably why I never excelled in the sports I played as a kid: football and basketball. Both of those require pretty quick response times to situations.

This is also why I could never be in the military, or law enforcement.

Brian's thoughts in a crisis: Huh, this guy is shooting at me; what can I do about this? I guess I could try to avoid the shots. Should I call for backup now or after I've diffused the situation? How should I diffuse the situation? Let's see, I have my own gun, and I have this tazer thing, but I could get in a lot of trouble if I used it inappropriately. The guy who's shooting at me has something on his face, what is that?

etc.

This is why I think I might be good at golf. It's not one of those sports where you're required to make split second decisions and rely on your quick reflexes. You really consider every shot, even the two-inch puts.

So yeah, I feel bad for my kids while knowing just how lucky they are. On the one hand, they've got a parent who will be able to rescue them from anything in the blink of an eye. On the other hand they have a parent who, well, is me.

This Other One Too

2009-03-08T17:37:00.000-07:00

For your information, I am blogging here (ideally) once a week.

And now for a cute picture.

Consider Yourself Forewarned

2009-03-02T20:11:00.000-08:00

Unless your name is Spencer Ellsworth, you are in no way required to watch this. If your name is Spencer Ellsworth, this one's for you.

Remember, I've forewarned you.

Avalanche

2009-03-01T17:42:00.000-08:00

So yesterday at Seagull (WHERE YOU, AND I DO MEAN YOU NEVER PAY FULL PRICE AND ALL THAT JAZZ) I was walking from our DVD isle with 49 DVD's in my arms, and noticing a customer at the counter ready to check out I said something to her about being right with her, then turned a corner around the check-out counter and walked into our display of delicious Utah Truffles, and the display promptly relieved itself of all its chocolaty contents on the floor.

It was truly awesome. The customer helped me pick up the fallen truffles, as did a couple little boys whose dad instructed them to aid me.

This one's for Shel

2009-02-28T04:44:00.000-08:00

Did you read Shel Silverstein poems as a kid? There was one where this kid tells his teacher, "I growed another head," to which his teacher responds, "It's time you knowed, the word is grew instead of growed."

In the spirit of this poem I present to you a part of a conversation that Joshua and Morgan had about the word "think."

Morgan: "I'm sinking, I'm sinking, I'm sinking that I don't want to do that."
Joshua: "Morgan, not sinking, sinking is bad. FINK, Morgan, you're finking."

New Idea

2009-02-11T09:08:00.000-08:00

I had a sudden burst of inspiration the other day for a musical project. I'd call it "Brian Singing the Nineties while Eating Pizza."

It would be a collection of popular nineties alternative hits sung by yours truly with a mouth full of delicious cheesy pizza.

I think it would be a hit.

guess what I'm thinking

2009-01-27T01:50:00.000-08:00

As a sunday school teacher, I try to avoid doing the following, though I'm not always successful.