Devastation in 140 Characters or Less, in which I Tweeted During that Game

Game time is here. My belly is full (too full), the kids are in bed, and I'm ready. Hopefully the Cougs are too.

I had kept up some irrational hopes that I would somehow end up going to the game tonight. Not so.

@LaurieAMeacham So you may as well root for the true team, the one your daughter aligns with.

Are you serious????

What was the penalty there?

No wonder I've been feeling nauseous. That was terrible, even turrrrible as Charles Barkley would say.

@tonyparks1320 He should hear about that awful play. Fall on the ball!

Let's see some high octane offense here. PLEASE.

Not a bad run. #JJ

Was that Hoffman? Really? Hooray!

Um, ...

Who did Bronco want to appease by wearing the polo shirt over the top of the gray t-shirt?

Nice little Chad Lewis leap from Kariya. 1st down.

Hmph!! #fumble #2

Destroy Wynn.

Cougar front 7 playing with emotion.

Nice hit DB's.

What did Kyle expect?

NO GOOD!!

@LaurieAMeacham Hey!

Grr. I would really REALLY like to see a deeper pass executed.

#JJ

#crap

That's more like it. #Heaps #Hoffman

That's it, Jake, run the show. #Heaps #Jacobson

Oh My!!! #Heaps #Hoffman Under pressure, that was amazing!

Late hit. Emotion...

NNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!

C'mon D.

No first down here. Make 'em go 3 and out.

Still feeling sick; it won't go away until I see blue in the endzone.

Breakout game thus far for our friend #Hoffman.

This was the formula for success late last year. I like it.

Ooh, nasty.

Big J! #Justin #Sorenson

Weird, beautiful field goal and a shank kick off.

Good tackle #Ogletree

Turnover! Turn about, and all that.

Our resident Mad Man recovered it.

#Zed

This is my 1,000th tweet. And much like this drive coming off a turnover, #disappointment

Off topic, which arrogant, pretentious, despicable school do you more want to lose? Miami or Ohio State?

Nice hit, but Christopher hung onto the ball.

Utah's highly touted running back just, um, well, bwahaha!

Oh crap! Bailed out.

@DavidDJJames Yes, DJ, it was a bail out.

Stuffed. That's the BYU D we love.

Turn over on downs. Yeesh, let's see the offense do something here. That extended drive of Utah's should have given them sufficient rest.

Hey there's Hugh Nibley's favorite temple, on ESPN and everything.

Over the middle, to a tight end. #Holt

Cheap hit after the whistle. Whatever.

TOUCH FREAKIN' DOWN!!!! #APO #HEAPS

That is more like it. I'll say it again. That's more like it!

@LaurieAMeacham ?

The Utes have nightmares of a big tight end wearing #88 running over the middle.

@Lockedonsports You're exactly right. Two corrupt programs battling it out, there's nothing like it.

That was a big run, but he paid for it. Up ended.

Eason just wasn't expecting it to be right there. RIGHT THERE! So close.

@benbags Ha! Zing.

Van Noy!!

Jimmer sighting.

@LaurieAMeacham Ah, I see. Though I didn't notice it myself, I've been looking straight at the computer screen in between every play.

Go #JJ, hang on to that ball.

Fix yer jersey young man.

Too high. Hm, offense hasn't been able to capitalize on big defensive plays. Crap.

My goodness. BYU line backers and DB's flying all over the place.

Ceee-rap!

30 seconds and 2 time outs. Going for it?

Best garbage time punt ever.

Coverage on those tight ends needs to be sticky.

Put those flags away, officials. This is getting ridiculous.

Keep running the ball, Utes. It's really effective ... for the BYU D.

Holding, anyone? Anyone?

No bail out PI call? How come?

I am shocked, absolutely shocked (sincerely) that the officials did not call PI on Sorenson there. #officiatingisajoke

NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am hopeful. Delusional, but hopeful

Bright spot? #Hoffman

Wow, this is getting way out of hand. Stop the run!

BYU's inspired defense took too many hits with penalty calls, they are playing tentative now.

Channel the 1980 Holiday Bowl mentality. Channel it dangit!

And ... why?

Why? WHY? WHYYYYY?????

Well, hm.

This has been completely unexpected.

@Lockedonsports Yes, I do demand answers.

@ScottyGKFAN Today is much worse than 2008. MUCH WORSE.

@AndrewAdamsKSL Only 6 turnovers? Is that really all?

Worst train wreck in the history of BYU football.

@laurieameacham yup. Awful.

I'm on my way to take Lewis to see Jessica. Did I change out of my byu shirt? Yes. Of course I did.

This is embarrassing.

@laurieameacham oy.

Will do, Laurie. I'll say it again, this was totally unexpected.

This just in, ticket prices for remaining byu games drop to record lows on stubhub.

Not about to be outdone by the BYU football team, my dog dropped a very large, very smelly pile of crap on our stairs overnight.

Toe Stubbing, in which it made me think of

Children have a very egocentric worldview. (A word of caution, I will not be looking up any term that I use to see if I am using it correctly. I'm feeling very lazy right now. I'm dealing with it, and you ought to as well.) Children think that anything that happens, anything that they are aware of happening anyway, happens as a direct result of something that they have done.

For example, it's raining outside, therefore they must have done something to make it rain, like spit too much or something.

I am a child, or am very childish. Probably that last one.

I stubbed my toe a few minutes ago, and my first thought was that I was being punished for something I had done wrong.

I did not (at least not immediately) consider that I might just be clumsy. Or that my big feet are prone to bumping into walls sometimes.

Not that my feet are really big. In fact, I would say that my feet are very average in size.

How do I know this?

I know people (men) who have feet that are bigger than mine, and other men who have feet that are smaller than mine.

So since my feet aren't big (like those I know with bigger feet) or small (like those I know with smaller feet), they must be average.

That's as far as my thinking went on this subject.

But earlier in a series of tweets I said something that may or may not be related:

Sometimes humor doesn't translate. Like when you give humor a book written in French and tell it that you would like to read the book in English. Thanks for nothing, humor.

Jazz Links, in which I link to one thing and mention two others

First of all, according to nba.com, the greatest play of the 2009-2010 season ...

Was this.

Second of all, both Bill Simmons and John Hollinger have the Jazz beating, not only the Nuggets in the first round, but the Lakers in the second round, and then losing to the Suns in the Western Conference finals.

(Both also base their predictions on the Jazz getting Andrei back--dang it!)

The Inept Homeowner, in which Holdinator breaks the Sprinklers

Bless her.

That's all I can say, really. She puts up with a heck of a lot, and so bless her.

That's not to say she wasn't aware of what she was getting into.

You see, when we were dating/engaged (somewhere in there) her car had a problem. I think there was a cable that came loose from the battery. Her dad spent no less than a half hour on the phone with me trying, very patiently, to describe where I should look under the hood to find this cable and reconnect it.

Total time project should have taken: 30 seconds

Total time project took in my hands: 45 minutes (because it took me 15 minutes to find the latch to release the hood)

So when we had a simple sprinkler repair in our front flower bed, and I decided I would investigate and be the superman I ought to be, I unearthed fifteen feet of sprinkler pipe looking for the place where I could unscrew the pipe from the rest of the pipe and take it to Home Depot to find a replacement.

Except that sprinkler pipe isn't screwed together, it's all glued together with these connector things or whatever ("Duh, dork," you're thinking). So all it took was sawing off a couple inches and gluing a new piece in place. Thanks to her brother, that was taken care of a month ago.

Thanks to me, it still doesn't work, because when I got that fifteen feet out, I broke the pipe somewhere else, and now ... well, I tried to at least bury the pipe so it wouldn't be sticking up out of the ground anymore, but the middle of it won't stay under the dirt.

I LOVE YOU JESSICA!

thanks for putting up with me

Sundry Books meet Concrete

I'm really clumsy.

I don't know if I've told you this before. 

Probably.

This morning walking out to my car, I stepped on a divot in our front lawn, turned my ankle, and dropped my load of books into the middle of the street.

You see, I'm thinking that I need to get back into studying Hebrew, so I had my Hebrew Bible, a lexicon, a grammar, and a set of scriptures in my arms. I thought I would study them during lunch breaks at work.

I landed on my arm, I guess, and somehow strained a tricep. I've been hobbling around all day.

I hope my Hebrew skills aren't too rusty.

Avalanche

So yesterday at Seagull (WHERE YOU, AND I DO MEAN YOU NEVER PAY FULL PRICE AND ALL THAT JAZZ) I was walking from our DVD isle with 49 DVD's in my arms, and noticing a customer at the counter ready to check out I said something to her about being right with her, then turned a corner around the check-out counter and walked into our display of delicious Utah Truffles, and the display promptly relieved itself of all its chocolaty contents on the floor. 

It was truly awesome. The customer helped me pick up the fallen truffles, as did a couple little boys whose dad instructed them to aid me. 

Token

The other day I found the missing keys to my Chevy Lumina.

You may all stop praying for their safe return.

Thank you.

Miracles Do Happen

Not quite like the pioneers, but close.

It started on a day when I decided to attend a job fair that was held at Energy Solutions Arena. KJZZ had been advertising this job fair during the pre-season Jazz games (go Jazz! yeah!), and I thought it would behoove me to give it a go.

I'd been to one other job/career fair, and it was not the most positive experience (thanks to my own negative attitude that developed after being snickered at when I told these prospective employers what my degree was in: "Really? You studied that? Why? What did you expect to do with that?"). But I thought that I should try again, and this time go with some more optimism. 

So I drove up to the Sandy Trax Station (thought I'd avoid looking for parking around the arena) and parked my 1995 Chevy Lumina (white, as if they made them in any other color that year), locked the doors and made my way toward the platform.

Then I remembered I didn't have a key to the door of the Lumina.

A couple weeks before through a set of strange circumstances, the one copy of the door key to my car was mysteriously misplaced (it still hasn't been found). I was realizing this predicament as I approached the ticket machine. Did you know (yes, you probably did) that the Trax ticket dispensers only take cash. I didn't have any cash.

And essentially, I didn't have a car. I walked back to the car and checked each of the doors multiple times. They were all very securely locked. 

So I made a bold decision. I would ride Trax without a ticket, but once I got to downtown I would find an ATM (none of those available at the Trax platform either) and buy an all day ticket to cover my heretofore unpaid ride.

While on the train I remembered that my parents were driving up to Salt Lake to take my sister to the dentist, so I called them and asked if they would be willing to give me a ride home after the job fair. They agreed.

But then I changed my plans, because the job fair had less than twenty companies represented, and most of those were telemarketing places. Though I did have one good conversation with a representative of US Bank.

So I was done long before my parents were. So I hopped back on Trax with a plan in my brain. I would walk to the South Town GM dealership and order a new door key for the Lumina. 

But first I had to get off the University Trax Line and back onto the regular southbound line (a mistake I seem to make every time I ride the dang thing).

The dealership did cut me a new key, but it took J faxing them a copy of the car title to prove that we actually own the thing and aren't just trying to steal it. 

The point is, US Bank hired me. I start there on Monday. The ordeal (a lot of fun, actually) was worth it.

Now When I Said No...

So four weeks ago I quit my job at Saturn. 

It was official when Mini #3 was born. You see, I'm not very good at sales. As the general manager said, "You're too nice. People know they can tell you no."

I tend to give people an out; I'm not pushy; etc.

But man, now that I'm not there selling Saturns, let me tell you, they are wonderful cars and the service that you will get, especially at Saturn of Orem, is unmatched in the car industry. The people there are sincere and actually care about their guests. Even if you are not interested in the Saturn brand (which you should be, by the way), go there to see what they have and receive a little education on car buying.

Oh, for those who may be interested in the Toyota Highlander, a really nice crossover no doubt, don't make any decisions until you've checked out the Saturn Outlook. 

You know who you are.

For the past four weeks, then, I've been "in school." At least, that's what it sounds like to people, and I'm often asked how school is going.

But really, I'm just taking this one class, eight weeks in all, to get my nurse assistant certification. So saying that I'm in school right now is like saying UCLA played a football game today. It's not exactly like what you may be thinking.

Oh, and class was cancelled three out of four days this past week.

But I did apply for a job. I should have known better. It's become very clear that I am not supposed to work for the Church or any of the ancillary branches of the Church. Even if I get an interview and feel like I'm extremely qualified... nah. It doesn't happen.

It was for a job at the MTC. One that I've been watching to see if it would open for more than a year. It did; I applied, I interviewed, and they hired someone else.

But I think I'll like wearing scrubs to work better than a suit anyway.

10 is Not Really That Big

Three times today.

Twice at the  pediatrician's office and once at Shopko.

(Oh, that reminds me, Mini #3 is growing a lot and has gained a whole pound and stretched an inch in his two weeks of living.)

J was wearing sandals, and I stepped on her toe once, then as I was handing Mini#3 to her I rammed my shoe into her other foot catching her big toenail and bending it back a little, then I ran over one of her feet with a shopping cart.

What's wrong with me?

And on another note, I have a quiz for you:

Why would Mini #2 use the first person possessive pronoun ("my") to say that he's done doing something (eg. "My all done" instead of "I'm all done")?

I will answer this, if no one figures it out before hand, in a few days.

The Magic Number

You know how your parents would call you by your siblings' names. How sometimes they would go through all the names of their kids before they got to yours.

I wasn't that parent.

I never mixed up my Mini 1 with my Mini 2. I was pretty proud of that.

But then we had Mini 3 a week ago, and I've been all fouled up since.
So I've come up with a theory: The magic number for messing up your children's names is 3. With two it's pretty easy to differentiate, but with 3... it's hopeless. I will now forever be calling Mini 3 Mini 2 and Mini 2 Mini 1 and Mini 1 Mini 3 and ...
Now, I'm not completely sure about my theory, because I think it may be gender specific. If you have three children, but they're not all the same gender you may not mess up their names. But if you have three of all the same gender, that's when it starts for sure.

Murphy's Cell

Hey, that's so convenient! If I open my phone and push the up arrow I get an immediate list of all my most recent calls, whether incoming, outgoing, missed, ignored, etc...

Except that somehow the call I need to see is inevitably the only one missing on the list.

What is it with these programmers? Oh wonderful bless-ed technology

bleh