Police Beat Again

When this blog was relatively young, I posted about the Daily Universe's "Police Beat" section.

Imagine my excitement when I read this today.

Oh it's on

This database system we have here at work requires that I reset my password every 30 days. It starts asking me after 15 days if I want to reset it, and I have, in the past, reset it earlier than the 30 days.

Never again.

And this is why:

I used the same password every time, it was a word with a number at the end. I'd just change the number each time I needed to change the password. It worked out really well and I thought I had an unlimited supply of fresh passwords here. After all, there's an unlimited amount of numbers out there, right?

So today I needed to reset the password. I was on the number 10, so I put in the word then the number 10 and got this response:

Password contains too many characters

Huh? Who's ever heard of a password that is too long? Let's see, this has nine characters, so I've got to go less than nine. Ah! I'll just start over with the same password at 1 and cycle through them again...

Password is identical to one already used

All right, fair enough. It was worth a try, anyway. Let's see, what other word could I use? Ah yes! Let's try it.

Password contains too few characters

Dang! this has six characters, so what if I try this word and number... seven characters should be OK, right?

Password contains too few characters

What? You've got to be kidding me! The only allowable amount of characters is eight? What's so special about eight? Grrr! OK, here's an eight character password.

Password contains the same letter consecutively

This stinks. All right, here's a word with no similar letters or numbers next to each other.

Password contains two numbers consecutively

Consecutive numbers? Why on earth can't I used consecutive numbers? This program wants me to change my password every 30 days, no wait, every 15 days, but has this many restrictions on what the password can be?

Whoever wrote that software should ... no. No. I'm not mad.

Grrrrr!

Reclaiming the psyche 7: Memories

This is apparently a bloggy thing that's going on right now (it's the cool thing to do, you know?).


Here are the directions:
1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!
2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty cool (and funny) to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you.

I look forward to the responses.

Reclaiming the psyche 6: Soda

Er, well,

This isn't really reclaiming the psyche so much as an excuse to note that the third ingredient of Mt. Dew is orange juice.

I've never really tasted the orange juice in Mt. Dew though.

yo yo (not the toy)

I got home from work today and found this guy outside at his grandma's house helping her find weeds in the lawn.

After finding one he told me that he has mad skills.

Reclaiming the psyche 5: Cute Band Alert!

Our motto: "It's cute to pick your nose!"

But in reality, it's not. Show me a nineteen year-old who's living in reality, though.

One time we set off a really expensive firework that we bought from Albertson's while grilling these awful, massive, cheese-filled hot dogs.

Another time we watched a movie in which one of the characters was played by someone named Unsung Song. When we got back to the apartment there was a lady bug in our friend Matt's hair. We named it Unsung Song.

We really liked to watch Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Cartoon Planet, and The Power Puff Girls.

He thinks he's someone's type, he just doesn't think he's yours.

Reclaiming the psyche 4: Sports

Coach

"NOW GET BACK IN THERE AND LET'S SEE SOME HUSTLE!"

Waaa-h-h-h-h-haay back when, I played a lot of sports. And I had a number of different coaches.

Today I learned that there are coaches for life. Not that they never retire, no no no, not at all, I guess I should have said they are coaches of life. That probably would have been more accurate, and would have helped avoid some confusion.

Sorry, guys.

Yep. Life coaches.

I found this out when reading the bio of an author. It said that she was a life coach.

Apparently she reminds people to breath.

Discouraged athlete: "I just can't seem to live coach. I'm trying, you know, working on my blood flow and heart beat and stuff, neurons firing and all that, but I can't get into the rhythm for some reason."
Life coach: "I've been watching you closely. I could tell there was something missing. You need to execute your game."
Discouraged athlete: "I'm trying to execute, coach, but there's something not really flowing, ya know?"
Life coach: "OK, I've got an idea. Try sucking air in through your mouth or nose and then blowing it out."
Discouraged athlete: "Um, OK." (thinks to himself: that seems really dumb)

Time passes, and then the athlete comes back to the coach, no longer discouraged somehow.

Renewed athlete: "I did it, coach! I sucked in air and pushed it out, and now everything else seems to work so well!"
Life coach: "It's like I've always told you. The fundamentals. Don't forget the fundamentals and everything else works itself out."

I'm thinking of becoming a life coach. I think I could do it.

Does anyone know of any schools that offer programs in life coaching?

Reclaiming the psyche 3: J

We've had access to this for, well, nearly six years now. This may be the first time some of you (perhaps all of you, save Heather, since she's the master artist who took these pictures) see them.

These are our engagement pictures. I like them because we both look really different. I guess a lot changes in six years.

(Yeah, like I gained forty pounds, or maybe more)

I also really like them because I really like J.

J is just so dang cool. I wonder sometimes how she couldn't tell what she was getting into.

Well, bless her for taking the risk.

Reclaiming the psyche 2: Teriyaki Stix

Way back then.

When?

1996-1999.

Ah, then.

Yes, way back then. I had a job. It was at Teriyaki Bowl, no wait, Tiki Teriyaki; hold on, that one didn't stick, ah yes! Teriyaki Stix.

We, the managers of the Riverwoods Teriyaki Stix, made that job perhaps the most enjoyable that a job could be. We were pretty much given license to do whatever we felt ought to be done, and we did it.

There were six of us:

Ash, Beth, Nat, Josh, BK, and me.

Six managers, just for the Teriyaki Stix side of the store... I don't think they made much profit.

I had a picture of us somewhere, but you'll just have to imagine it to yourself. This is getting way too long.

BK was put in charge of writing a monthly newsletter for the store. In it, he would interview the employee of the month. I only have one copy of the newsletter, and it is the one from when I was made employee of the mo-- uh, millennium.

He wrote up a synopsis describing our interview, and then included these questions:

BK: What is your favorite color of cleaning spray?
Me: Blue

BK: Why?
Me: Because it smells pleasant.

BK: Have you ever drunk of bottle of soy sauce?
Me: No.

BK: Will you drink of bottle of soy sauce right now?
Me: No.

DISCLAIMER: I WAS 19 AND THOUGHT I WAS REALLY FUNNY
BK: What is your favorite Simpson's episode?
Me: The gay episode

BK: Why?
Me: I like to see construction workers dance.

BK: What is your favorite Teriyaki dish?
Me: Chocolaki (sukiyaki cooked with Hershey's branch chocolate sauce)

BK: Is that really your favorite dish?
Me: No.

BK: Do you have an embarrassing work moment you want to share?
Me: No.

BK: Do you have an embarrassing work moment?
Me: Yes, but I can't tell you.

BK: Please?
Me: OK, but you can't tell anyone.
BK: OK

I wonder if he ever did reveal my secret. Probably not, because I don't think they would have rehired me after my mission if he did.

Thanks BK. Oh, and thanks for accepting me as a friend on facebook.

Reclaiming the Psyche 1: Music

In an attempt to reclaim myself, in light of the former post describing the spirit-breaking brought on by Greedy dudes 1 and 2, I'll be writing the next few posts with a somewhat nostalgic quality. In essence, I'm going back to the various roots of my being and trying to become me once more.

First off, because I had this strike of brilliance to do this while listening to this song while mowing the lawn, I bring you my favorite song (and it just so happens to be my favorite music video too).

"The Set Up" by Reel Big Fish

This takes me back to the late nineties, when things were not too terribly tough. Responsibility was minimal, and music is what defined everything I did.

This song/video has all the qualities of greatness (according to me) all wrapped up in one:

-False-etto singing
-A fantastic horn section
-A rocking guitar solo
-Ridiculous and obvious tricks: like a floating guitarist
-A drummer who plays with bricks
-A bridge
-Hawaiian shirt

I'm sure I missed some things, but you'll pick up on the awesomeness of it all...

Dudes Part 2

These things really exist, they're not just a Hollywood fabrication (see the opening scene of Rubin & Ed).

Don't we all wish they were?

There really are dudes who travel the country and give "sales seminars" in which they spend eight hours reveling in the sound of their own voices, offer quippy suggestions, and then spend an hour unabashedly offering eleven different products, each with a guarantee to double, triple, or ... you know, your income! The best part is that these products, which usually sell for $395 a piece, can be yours for only $71 each! "We're not making a profit here, but we think it's important enough for you to have this information, that we'll make that sacrifice."

Bull.

A DVD costs less than a dollar to produce.

Way less.

Thisis Greedy Dude 1. My job sent me to listen to him for eight hours in the hopes that he would help me to sell more cars to more people, thus increasing my income and the dealership's profits.

Sorry, Saturn, but this plan failed on me:

In fact, the seminar had just the opposite effect.

Imagine my thrill when during my job interview here I was told that my job would be as an "educator." That's exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I was aware of Saturn's philosophy toward the car sales process, I knew that it was different than the slimy tactics of some dealerships where you are never sure whether or not you got severely ripped off when you leave.

Honesty, respect, no hassle, just straight-forward information and education about products and pricing.

I could work with that, and in fact, I felt like I was beginning to find my groove here. April and May were pretty good months. I had come pretty close to my goal of selling ten cars in a month during those months, and in the beginning of June I was ready to build on that momentum and help even more people to find just the right car that fits their needs, and in a way that they feel like a person, not just a dollar sign.

But then during the first week of June we went to a staff meeting where we met this guy.

Greedy Dude 2

Greedy dude 2 came to give us some tips on how to effectively sell to "phone-ups," or people that call the dealership. He gave lip service to such things as liking your customers and "acting" sincere. The clear implication was that we probably don't really care about the people who come into the dealership, but we need to act as if we do. He also said a bunch of things about schmoozing people with talks of "a great deal." He concluded his speech by attempting to sell Greedy dude 1's seminar to all of us. (I didn't sign up, for obvious reasons, but my team leaders signed nearly everyone at the dealership up for us.)

I felt like throwing up, really, after listening to him.

But I really had no idea how much his rhetoric had done to my self-image.

Not until I only sold two cars in June, and took some time to really consider what changed between May and June, did I discover how seriously these two dudes had affected my perception of myself.

I had prided myself on working at a company that really did respect its customers, and expected its sales consultants to feel the same way. I felt like I was actually doing people a service by working here--somehow making their lives better. And I felt like I did in reality sincerely care about my guests; I felt it was a privilege to work with them. I didn't feel like I was in sales at all, but rather that I was in the business of bettering people's lives by educating them and assisting them to make what was probably the second most expensive financial obligation of their lives (second only to buying a house).

But somehow, Greedy dude1's suggestion that in order to be successful I need to convince myself every day when I wake up that "I like myself" and "I love my job" by repeating those phrases out loud to myself, convinced me of just the opposite.

If I have to convince myself that I like myself and love my job, I must be in a job that is not easy to love because it is not worthy of being loved on its own merits--it's sales! Who loves a sales job? It's certainly not natural to feel that you love a sales job (implication: because sales jobs are by nature sleazy and dishonest). And by extension, if I can't love my job on its own merits, but have to convince myself of it, then I really must not actually like myself, because my employment is all about ripping people off and taking advantage of them, after all, I'm a dirty, greasy salesman.

Before hearing these dudes I didn't need to convince myself of these things. I actually, really did love my job. I looked forward to coming to work. I liked myself just fine, because I felt like when I came to work I was coming to help people reach their own goals.

These dudes made me feel like Jack Johnson was addressing me when he sang:

Look at you out to make a deal.
You try to be appealing, but you lose your appeal.
And what about those shoes you're in today?
They'll do no good on the bridges you've burnt along the way.
You're willing to sell anything
Gone with your herd.
Leave your footprints, we'll shame them with our words.
Gone people all careless and consumed.
Gone.

I had been "recruited" by a number of companies, prior to applying at Saturn, for a variety of different sales jobs. Each of them had anecdotal evidences from one or two of their sales guys of how they made such and such an amount in such and such a time. And each of these places felt as disgusting as the next.

I did not want to be in sales.

And when I got hired on at Saturn, I did not feel like I was in sales (you know, in the common connotation of the word).

But then I met Greedy dudes 1 and 2. And they made me feel like I was in sales.

My momentum was crushed.

And that's why those two dudes are in large part the cause of last week's anxiety attack.

There you have it.

Since discovering this stuff going on in my mind, I've been trying to purge out everything these two dudes said and get back to where I was prior to hearing them, which is probably the reason I put off writing about it.

But now it's out there; it's been released to the cyberspace universe.

I only hope it will be as easy to rid myself of as my old pet peeve of getting called bud.

(Oh, and it's a good thing that's gone, because on Saturday I worked with a guy for two and a half hours, and he called me buddy the whole time. Didn't bother me a bit.)

Dudes, Part 1 (of maybe only 1, who knows?)

I last posted on Tuesday. Really? It's been that long?

Dang.

First of all, let me direct you to one of the most entertaining things I have ever read. It can be found

HERE.

I really like seeing my last post; maybe that's why I haven't posted again for a few days. But there's something about seeing a picture of Beck that makes me so happy, I'm thinking about using different pictures of him in every post.

Would that be a little weird? odd? scary?

I probably won't do it, so then, what is it that I'm avoiding here? Why the hesitation?

What's wrong with this holdinator anyway?

It's those two dudes from the last post. Some of you may have wondered who they are, and I've been thinking of telling you their names, but maybe instead I'll give them pseudonyms (so much more fun).

How about greedy dudes 1 and 2?

That's all I am willing to think about it right now.

Get Crazy With the Cheese Wiz

Takes you back, doesn't it?

For the first time in my memory, early this morning, I had an anxiety attack.

Great, huh? I feel like such a part of humanity somehow; so in touch.

You know?

I kind of started having another one this evening, but gratefully I have two very playful children who brought me out of it quickly. Mini#1 wanted me to push him on a swing while mini#2 played with the hose--total lack of cares. Bless them.

Maybe sometime I'll blog about what I feel is the cause of this anxiety, but for now, suffice it to say, it had a lot to do with these two dudes:












Something else that helped:

Two tall glasses of Ovaltine. Mm.

Creepy, Just Creepy

The song with the worst music video ever is playing at my work right now.

"You Are Not Alone" by Michael Jackson

My skin is crawling.

J Didn't Write about it, So I will

Mini#1 likes to give play by play calls of his pooping--loudly, so that if we are in a public restroom everyone in there knows "how it's going".

My mom experienced this last night while she was tending the mini's. But mini#1 added a new feature to his play calling.

After finishing up he said, "This was brought to you by pbs.org."

Super Macho Tough Dude

mini#1 showing off his injury

Last night mini#1's friend came over to play. She is about two years older than him--he's already going for the older women, I know. They played on the swing set for a while when suddenly I heard her shouting that he was bleeding. I told him to come over and show me what happened, and he came to me with a huge smile on his face and blood dripping down his lower lip.

His friend told me he was on the rings and he fell. After my inspection I discovered that he bit his tongue.

There were some really strange things about this situation:

1. mini#1 doesn't usually play on the rings on the swing set unless I'm holding him up the whole time; if I let go he screams
2. anytime mini#1 gets hurt, even if the injury is really minor, he has a good hearty cry about it
3. he seemed absolutely unconcerned about the blood

I've been trying to teach him to tough little things out like this for a while now. And now I know what I have to do to help him.

I just need to make sure there is a girl his age (or, you know, close to his age) around.

I gave him a high five and he went right back to playing, even though his friend was very concerned about the blood.

I Don't Know, Would You?

I got to work this morning with an armful of stuff from the Saturn Astra they've let me drive for the past two weeks, but now I have to give it back in exchange for my 1995 Chevy Lumina, which is a great car and we got it for free, so who's complaining, right? But when you work at a car dealership and you take people on test drives in really nice new cars, it kind of seems like it would be nice to drive one yourself, but then you think, "it's just a car!" and ...

Wait a second. Stop right there.

The post was hijacked. Just a second while I clear the area of all unrelated content . . . . .

There. That should do.

Now, back to the original story; the armful of stuff was important to the storyline. You see, I approached my desk and found someone in my chair! She was sorting and cutting coupons (as far as I could tell). I kind of approached slowly to see if she'd look up and notice me: I'm the one in that family picture hanging on the cubicle wall, which means: This is MY desk!

If she did notice me, she didn't seem to care. She just continued to spread her coupon collection across my desk and cut.

I guess she really needed desk space this morning, I can understand that. And had she asked someone who worked here where she could camp out with her coupons for a while, they could have shown her an unused desk. But she just decided to inhabit mine; even though it clearly was not unused.

It just made me think: Would I do something like this? If going into any kind of business and finding myself waiting for service, would I just park myself in some cubicle full of someone's things? I don't know, but I don't think so.

I Hope He Looks Like This on the Inside

I've never met a sage before, but yesterday, for the first time in my life, I met a sage.

You can imagine my excitement.

Well, excitement wasn't the first response I had, it was more like annoyance.

I'd just pulled into the parking lot of the Wendy's down by East Bay in Provo. A car parked next to me, and since mini-#1 wanted me to roll down all four windows in the car, I did, and the guy in the car next to me rolled his down too.

"You're going to cause an accident one of these days," he said to me.

"Oh no, what did I do?" I asked (because I really wanted to know so I could avoid doing it in the future).

He shook his head, sighed, and rolled his window up.

He didn't come into Wendy's; I guess he just drove away. He made extra effort to follow me into the parking lot and dispense his wisdom.

Lunch found me in a reflective mood, trying to discover the error I had made while driving. It suddenly occurred to me what I had done: I'd started into the left turn lane behind two cars, but then realized they were turning into Burger King, so I went around them and then into the turn lane.

He could have told me this, but that would not have required me to put forth the effort on my part to discover my answer on my own.

He is a true sage indeed.

Visualize the Tagging

Sarah tagged me. No touch backs.

Favorite FoodMiddle NameFavorite Place to BeFavorite ColorPlace I'd Like to VisitMy Career

Favorite HolidayName of a PetAge at My Next Birthday, let me think about this one, Oh yeah! I rememberNow the point is to tag someone else, right? J, Laurie, and Mark... how's that?

This is a Secure Area

J and I went on a date tonight. I really like going on dates with her. She's extremely cool.

After dinner (Thai food, mm, curry), we went to Borders so J could find some new books. One of the reasons I really love her is that she loves to read.

We arrived at Borders, and I made it through the security devices at the front of the store without incident.

Whew!Not long before leaving Borders I used the restroom. They have security devices guarding the way to the bathrooms at Borders.

I made it through these on the way into the restroom without incident as well.

Second time, whew! (again)

But then they caught me on the way out of the restrooms. Walking past the security devices a loud (and I mean really loud so that J heard it clearly at the other side of the store) alarm sounded, and an employee (or two) gave me funny looks, and one said to me, "What did you do?".

Dang.

It took me all of five minutes to come up with this really witty reply:

"I washed my hands, honest!"

So here's to my slow wit, and apparently a pair of pants that still have some security button on them.

Or whatever.

They didn't set the device off on the way out of the store.

A Sense of Achievement

achievement

I just had to make sure I spelled it right. The spell checker doesn't do the title, you know.

I heard a commercial for the Green Tea HP store today and the founder's testimonial changed! Now he says that he lost sixty pounds in six months... then says this: "When combined with diet and exercise, results increase" or something like that. The point being, well... I really don't need to say anything else, do I?

I take all the credit for this change in advertising.

What I Wouldn't Do...? I'm Not Sure

At a park the other day I played on the swings with the mini's. Mini-#2 thought it was really funny when I jumped off the swing I was on and rolled across the ground. His laugh at times like these is really infectious. It's like a burst of gut-busting glee that you'd do anything to hear.

Even jump out of a swing again after cutting your leg up on that bark stuff they fill playgrounds with.

I remember when they put sand in playgrounds. I broke my arm once landing on the sand.

Then there was the gravel. It got really hot in the sun and would get stuck in your shoe and turn your shorts all dusty if you sat down on it, or fell on it or whatever.

Was there something between the gravel and the bark?

Maybe padded plastic full of holes? Why not packaging peanuts?

Children Don't Forget

If you are at the public pool, the one with the two water slides called the Watergator and the Slidewinder, and your kids

don't feel like going home, how can you convince them it's time to go?

Take each of them on the water slides, even if they are protesting and not wanting to.

Geek

The first blog I ever visited on the web was introduced to me in the Hugh Nibley Ancient Studies Room of the BYU library by a friend who goes by the web name of LxxLuthor. This is a very clever name.
This slight variation on Superman's arch nemesis' name contains the abbreviated form of the word Septuagint.

The Septuagint is the Greek translation of the Hebrew Bible (known commonly as the Old Testament). Legend has it that seventy translators completed the translation in seventy days, hence LXX (70 in Roman numerals) is the abbreviation for Septuagint. In more extreme versions of the legend, all seventy translators spent those seventy days independently translating, and when they compared their translations they all matched word for word. Talk about miraculous.

My friend has aspirations of becoming a Septuagint scholar. I think he can pull it off.

Anyway, the blog. That's what this was going to be about. The blog is called Faith Promoting Rumor, and it is written by a group of LDS graduate students and recent PhD's. I like to read this blog because it reminds me of some of the things that I studied in school, and I tend to learn a lot from it.

Recently one of the bloggers posted about (in general terms) some of the presumed politics of the BYU Religious Education Department.
I'm writing about this because an interesting conversation took place/is taking place between a commenter and some of the bloggers concerning qualifications for doing exegesis on the New Testament. The commenter has some good points, but does not use capitalization, and by way of invitation one of the bloggers said this to the commenter (by the way, the point of this entry is that I'm a geek):

What I’d like to propose is that you do a guest blog for us. I am sure our readers would be quite interested in an exegetical reading of a passage from a good, rousing pagan text according to the methodologies, etc., etc., of folks who do your sort of work.

Will you consider it? You’ll need to develop a testimony of capitalization and then put it into practice, but I think that’s the one constraint we’ll need to agree on…

This From Bill Simmons, espn.com

"Pau Gasol gets to the line for two freebies: 30-12, Lakers. By the way, wouldn't Lakers games be more fun if Gasol dressed like a bullfighter for the pregame intros, then waved a red cape for the other starters as they ran by him?"
I vote yes.

Was It Really Worse Than Sugar Coated Strawberries?

mini-Holdinator #1: Daddy, will you open this fruit snack cinnamon roll for me [in case you require a translation: fruit roll-up]?
Me: No. You haven't had your dinner yet. I'll open it after you eat your dinner.
mini #1: DON'T TELL ME, DADDY!
Me: Look, I'll find you something to eat, then you can have it.
mini #1: Mormor [translation: my mom], will you open it?
My Mom: Your dad said not until you eat some dinner.

mini #1 leaves the room and has this conversation with my younger brother who's not a dad yet but will be in October-ish

mini #1: Will you open this for me?
My Brother: I don't think I'm supposed to.
mini #1: Just do it!
My Brother: But I think your dad would get mad.
mini #1: Just don't tell him.
My Brother: (takes the fruit roll-up from mini #1 and tears the end of the wrapper just a little): Look, I won't open it for you.
mini #1: Thanks (opens the foil the rest of the way).

they both come back into the room; the fruit roll-up is gone

My Mom: Where's the fruit roll-up?
mini #1: (looking very smug) I ate it.

For Those Who Are Interested

This blog has taken a particular direction, not really suited to serious kinds of things, but I keep this other blog on the side, you see, and posted this morning about something that I think some of the faithful and regular Holdinator readers might be interested in. It has to do with a really freaking cool interview with Elder Jeffrey R Holland. So, if that suits your interest this happy day, then you can find it HERE.

Scrubzzzz

I think I mentioned on my list that I like to watch Scrubs. But I don't remember, and there's no way I'm going to read that list of 100 things about me just to find out.

But anyway, I just thought it was pretty neat when I discovered that the car Elliot drives (that gets its doors torn off in the episode that she buys it) is a Saturn. And so is the car that her sometimes boyfriend, Sean, drives.

J Will Laugh At Me

I missed a spot shaving today.

It's right on my chin, on the lower left part.

Maybe I Need To Make Another Mixed CD

Most radio commercials don't really bother me. I'd really rather be listening to a song or the news or whatever, but for the most part commercials don't make me want to rant on a blog.

HEY!!!! MAYBE THIS IS MY NEW PET PEEVE! WHOOO-HOOO!

There are three commercials right now, though, that, well, I have issues with.

First, the one for Green THP or whatever the stuff is. I'm fine with people promoting products that may or may not be good for my health. But I draw the line at a ridiculous testimonial about the effectiveness of the product from ... wait for it, THE FOUNDER OF THE DANG COMPANY! "Hi, this is John, founder of the Green THP store, and I'm proud to report that drinking one glass of Green THP helped me lose sixty pounds in four months. I found that it specifically helped me target belly fat... blah blah blah, stuff about it lowering cholesterol, developing the ability to fly, etc." I'm pretty sure that one of the things to be wary of in advertising is a testimonial, but when it comes from the founder of the company! What is he going to say? "Hi this is John. I started this company to try and gouge hundreds of dollars out of people because of their insecurities. I hate the taste of the stuff, but if I can get you to believe it will help you lose weight, I know you'll buy it."

Second, from a window company, "There's an old saying: 'The despair of poor quality remains long after the joy of a good price.'" I may have paraphrased there a little, but it really doesn't matter, because the point is that the dude's "old saying" has the feel of a saying he just made up to try and sell his more expensive product. I expect an old saying to have a sort of proverb-feel to it, to be quippy (at least), or to at least be memorable enough for me to remember it word-for-word for an hour. An "old saying" like this guy's lasts about 8 words too long, and makes me want to shop for windows with someone else.

OK, lastly this one's more funny than anything. It doesn't bother me as much as the others. For Knee Shorts Company, the owner says something like this, "Knee Shorts is committed to remain steadfast in its commitment to yer standards." Two things, first, the word "steadfast." Only in Utah, and only among Mormons, would people hear this word in a radio commercial and not think who is this lady, and what century is she from? Second, she doesn't make any effort to pronounce the word "your" with the ou sound in the middle. I love that.

I suppose I'm done now.

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One of the songs I sing to mini-Holdinator #2 at bedtime is "Gone" by Jack Johnson. This is the first song that the little guy has tried to learn himself, but he only sings one line. It goes like this:

"Gone poo poo"

At least that's the way he sings it. It took me a while, but I finally figured out the line he was mimicking. What do you think the real line is?

Noted

No matter how much you try to tell an almost two-year-old that a Hot Tamale is not a jelly bean, he will still very carefully try to eat it anyway.

And when he discovers that it really is "burny" like you told him, he will give it back to you.

One Double Oh

100 posts! Wow! Oh my gosh! or heck! or whatever! My sister was the one who inspired me to start this blog, I thought it only appropriate that for my one hundredth post to echo what she did. That is, list 100 things about me. Oh boy...

1. I'm named (middle name) after my dad's younger brother

2. I lived in the same house from the time I was born until I was 19 and left for my mission

3. That house is green

4. But it's not a green house that you grow plants in, it's just painted the color green

5. My dad called me "bug" and "the blond German"

6. Maybe he still does when he's talking about me with my mom

7. It was a half-mile bike ride to my elementary school

8. I know this, because we drove there one day and tested the distance on the trip odometer so I could tell how far I was riding my bike to kindergarten

9. I'm thinking "kindergarten" looks like a German word

10. Once when riding my bike to kindergarten I scraped my left hand under a mail box and had to get stitches; the crossing guard carried me to the school (so I'm told)

11. I knew a girl named Tenly in kindergarten

12. I joined the Green Day "idiot" club

13. I have two older sisters, one older brother, and one younger brother

14. For about two and a half years while in college breakfast consisted of 2 or 3 cheddar cheese bagels and a donut from Smiths

15. For about two and a half years while in college my blood pressure got too high

16. When I was 15 I really wanted a job

17. I got hired at McDonalds, but then they said I couldn't work there because of my age

18. A couple years later my friend Heath got a job at the same McDonalds

19. Heath didn't like his job, except that when we went there for lunch one day he was surprised that the fries were hot and fresh

20. Heath tried to teach me how to meditate once in his one-room apartment in Manteca, California while listening to Magadog, but I didn't get it

21. Instead of working at McDonalds I got a job at Teriyaki Bowl

22. Then eventually I got a job at Sears where I met a girl who wore a different color pair of Converse Allstars everyday

23. She introduced me, kind of, to Skippy Smurf

24. Skippy Smurf introduced me to Supah Geek

25. Supah Geek introduced me to J

26. J and I got married in December 2002

27. I'm really, really in love with J

28. Two other guys who worked at Teriyaki Bowl (Stix actually) and I made a pact that we would never see the movie Titanic; the penalty for breaking the pact was death

29. One of the other dudes watched Titanic in Idaho

30. We didn't kill him; we figured watching the movie was probably a fate worse than death

31. My older brother hit me in the head with a baseball bat

32. accidentally

33. I have a smile on my right knee

34. Donuts, especially Winchells donuts, are heavenly

35. Cat allergies are terrible

36. I'm not allergic to cats

37. I used to be allergic to cats

38. But then I got NAET from the doctor who assisted Marie Osmond with her depression, and now I'm not allergic to cats anymore

39. As a missionary I rode in the backseat of a sheriff's car

40. Last time I weighed myself I was almost 200 pounds

41. I was once thought to be a hologram

42. I have carried on an entire conversation in which both parties only used the word "dude"

43. And this was long before those beer commercials

44. I'm not very good at sports

45. That I can remember I had committed to name my oldest son Bradley James or Aaron

46. My oldest son is not named Bradley James or Aaron

47. Speaking of names, I named each of my drums and cymbals on my old drum kit after famous drummers

48. They had names like Gene, Chad, Tre, and ... I don't remember the others

49. We (my friends and I) called my first car Starbolt

50. That came from a NOFX song; I wouldn't suggest listening to it

51. J and I spent our first Christmas together in a cheap motel and ate at Denny's

52. I majored in elementary education

53. and English

54. and history

55. and history education

56. and Classics

57. I graduated in Ancient Near Eastern Studies

58. I sell cars for a living, and I love it

59. After years of aspiring I finally got called to teach Gospel Doctrine, and I love that too

60. J and I have had four pet birds: one sparrow named Rochester, and three parakeets: Aberdeen, Wingfold, and Gladwynn

61. J and I have had (and still do) two pet cats: Nibley and Peterson

62. J and I have had three stinky pet mice: Constantine, Benedict, and ... help me out here J (i love you!)

63. J and I have had (and still do) one pet dog: Annie

64. I do seem to remember trying to grow some plants in my house growing up, but it's still not that kind of green house

65. Because it's not humid and glass

66. My best friend in high school once went to class wrapped up in Christmas lights; he plugged them in and "blinked" all during class

67. I've been on Less Than Jake's tour bus; probably not the same tour bus that they have now

68. I taught at the MTC for two and a half years

69. I taught Seminary for a year and a half

70. About a year ago I stood next to Elder Holland for about five minutes, but didn't have the guts to say anything to him

71. We were listening the the Utah Valley Bell Choir at the time and Elder Holland seemed really engaged in his listening

72. Elder Holland is taller in person than he seems in photos with other general authorities

73. I guess I'm opinionated about some things

74. If I'm ever setting up security questions on a website I can never use any objective questions such as "what is your favorite food?" or "what is your favorite color?" because I may like something today but in a month or whatever I might like something else

75. The best questions for me are subjective like "what color was your first car?" or "in what city did you attend elementary school?" because those answers never change

76. It seems to me that not very many people blog on the weekend

77. Like me, maybe they do most of their blogging while at work

78. One of the things that I'd always kind of wanted to try was being a server at a restaurant; that was fulfilled in 2006 when I got hired at Carrabba's

79. I hadn't heard the "f-word" in years when on my first day at Carrabba's I heard it more than once

80. I was just told by some guests that bought a car from me that I was so friendly and patient that they would have felt guilty shopping anywhere else

81. Ethically, I'm not sure how to feel about that

82. I really like the cartoons Space Ghost Coast to Coast and Cartoon Planet

83. I wish I could find the CD of Space Ghost's barbeque

84. When I was a paper boy I would listen to a walkman while delivering papers and imagine that I was in a music video

85. I still like to imagine that I'm in music videos when listening to my iPod

86. I have had two iPod Shuffles; I washed one in the laundry and spilled lemonade all over the other one

87. Do I have a favorite television show? Probably not, but I really like Scrubs and The Office

88. I used to have a bumper sticker on my car that said "Kill Your TV"

89. That was the first of a lot of bumper stickers that decorated the back end of Starbolt; according to this blog that makes me a white person

90. About the one iPod Shuffle, it was in my apron pocket at Carrabba's and somehow a glass full of lemonade spilled down the front of me into the pocket; it still plays music but iTunes doesn't recognize it when it's plugged into the computer

91. I was really excited when I got hired at Saturn and I discovered that there is a hot cocoa machine there

92. The first day that I met J she served me cookies and hot cocoa

93. One evening when I went to visit J before we were dating she asked if it was OK with me if we listened to a talk by Elder Holland called "Inconvenient Messiah;" I couldn't have been happier

94. I still haven't developed a phobia

95. When J and I were engaged, I would usually have lunch with J's best friend Nash; we'd split a sandwich and drink (again) hot cocoa next to the ballroom in the Wilkinson Center and commiserate with each other because we both missed J

96. J was in her first semester of nursing school when we were engaged

97. The semester we were engaged, I was still an English major and my GPA ended up being, um, not so great;

98. I have dyed my hair black, bleached, blue, and purple

99. I have really liked Converse Allstars for as long as I can remember (my earliest memory includes looking in my closet and imaging a pair of red Allstar high tops there)

100. I've seen Rubin and Ed

Carnivorous Dude

There is this fantastic new restaurant open in Lindon. It's called Max'n'Cheese, and it is tailored to kids, complete with kid-friendly menu options, and a very cool play area in the middle of the place. Mini-holdinator #2 loves the play place, and thinks the food is OK, but it just doesn't compare to his new favorite restaurant:

Tucano's

For a dude that's not quite two years old, he sure loves his bacon wrapped fillet mignon, teriyaki sirloin, and fire roasted ham.

Fruits and veggies? No thanks.

Conversation in the Car

Mini-holdinator #1's been feeling a little ill today. So on the way home from the store J looked in the back seat and asked, "How you doing, pumpkin?"

His response: "You have to jump over the hole or else the monsters will get you."

I have No Idea

If anyone read my blog yesterday and the image displayed was a big black background with yellow text that read "THIEF," I changed the image...

I don't know how that happened. The image I first put up was of a blue-ish magic eye picture.

By the way. Seeing a magic eye image is not like riding a bike. It's been more than a year since I have looked at one, and now I've lost the "magic" or whatever.

The Conspiracy

One semester at BYU I took a computer class. The professor one day was talking about perspective or something, and he put one of these things up on the overhead. I immediately thought Oh, one of those things.

I had never been able to see anything in one of these pictures... everyone around me would say, "Wow! That's so cool! Look at that!"

I'd just stare and see nothing. I'd tried for hours at a time, adjusting my eyes, "looking past the image" going cross-eyed and every other tactic people told me to use. But they never worked.

Well this professor claimed that he had helped a number of his students see the images in these things and he had a 100% success record.

I decided to break that success rate for him, because there was no way he could help me see one of these things.

I went to his office; he had me sit in front of one of these things, shone a little light behind my head and had me focus on it in the reflection of the picture. I didn't see anything until suddenly the shape of a dinosaur started making its way into my line of vision.

But the thing still looked like the pattern! I thought this would be some kind of detailed picture in full color, etc.

This professor did much for me. He helped me know that the entire world was not in on a conspiracy to convince me that these magic eye pictures were more than what I thought they were.

Then I dropped his class.

A Walk

I like to think that I live in a very pedestrian-friendly area, where one can walk with kids in a stroller and get just about anywhere.

I like to think this, but I kid myself.

Yet sometimes I'm just enthusiastic enough about this hallucination to try walking in my neighborhood. Like the other day:

I took our Dodge Grand Caravan to a place to have the rear windows tinted; the poor mini-Holdinators suffer during sunsets in the backseat, so we're hoping tint will alleviate that pain a little.

The mini-Holdinators went with me; we dropped the van off and were told it would take four to five hours. I pull the stroller out of the van, strap them in, and head for home....

North on State Street (in Orem)
Then west on a little side street to find a place for mini-Holdinator #1 to go poopoo.
Ah! Family Dollar: Perfect.
The bathroom in Family Dollar is remarkably clean. I can't say how grateful I am for that.
And they have cool kids clothes at amazing prices, so I get something for each of the mini's.
Then off again. It was sunny but windy like crazy.
West on 800 North--against the wind.
I decided not to cross 800 West; why? Because sometimes I'm an idiot.
The sidewalk ended.
Weeds in really soft dirt made up our way.
I had to get the double stroller down to the 1200 West intersection, but the way down was this soft dirt, weeds, and an extremely steep decline.
I started to attempt it, but decided I like my mini's safely strapped in a stroller, not strewn across a busy street.
So we made our way into the LaQuinta Inn's parking lot and onto the lawn that ran along side a fence that made its way down to a sidewalk where I could cross 1200 West.
The stroller really wanted to run into the fence while I pushed it across a steep grassy slope.
We finally crossed and made our way up the construction zone that is 1200 West with sidewalk for about half the way, wind blowing us from the west.
And then got to home; I don't know about the mini-Holdinators, but my ears were ringing from the sound of the passing cars.

The sad part of this is that I know I'll do it again. Maybe not from Performance Tint, but somewhere.

Because I'm deluded.

I guess.

Look Out World!

This past Sunday at church a member of the primary presidency approached us and asked if Joshua was ready for his talk. He'd told her he was ready, but this was the first we'd heard about this. The sister had stopped by the house earlier in the week with the invitation to speak, and when we didn't answer left it on the door.

We found it in the back yard when we got home from church.

It was Mother's Day, so no big deal, I could help him wing a talk.

I sat in the back of the primary room during Sharing Time, and they announced the birthdays. It's been a while since Joshua's been to Sharing Time due to various illnesses, family things, etc, so they announced his birthday along with a couple of adults.

"Let's have all the birthday friends come and share what they like to do with us," said the presidency member.

Joshua walked up to the stand, pulled the microphone down, looked back and forth and got a very pleased look on his face...

"Hey! This is weird! [sundry other random things he said as well, I don't remember them all] I like to talk in microphones!"

This wasn't even his talk yet. Oh boy.

So when he was announced as the speaker I went up with him to try and keep things focused.

Me (whispering in his ear): "Talk about why you love Mommy."
Josh (in the microphone): "Talk about why you love Mommy."
Me: "Why do you love Mommy?"
Josh: "I love Love LOVE Mommy soooooo much!"
Me: "What does Mommy do for you?"
Josh: "She . . . " I'm pretty sure he made up some new words here.

Then I helped him bear testimony.

Public speaker and performer? That's my Joshy.

Irrational

So in the absence of a pet peeve, I've considered that I may be able to develop a phobia.

I'm thinking that it wouldn't be too tough to develop a fear of elevators. All it would take is really taking seriously the instructions written for fire fighters on the elevator wall.

What if that stuff really happened?

I can feel my heart in my throat already.

I Had it and Now it's Gone

I was going to post about something terrific and/or kind of amusing. But I completely forgot except that I was going to mention this as a tangent:

Being called Bud doesn't bother me anymore. I guess I just had to release it to the universe via cyberspace.

Now I don't have a pet peeve.

Weird

Did you know there is a guy who commentates for ESPN and ABC and his name is Hubie Brown? And it's not a pseudonym made up by some fanatical Mormon Jazz fan?

Really, I'm not kidding.

Denver Nightmare

I dreamed last night that I was called to be stake president.

I don't think it had anything to do with this conversation that took place last night in between Maury's visits to our table:

(Earlier) Dave: That phone call was about planning my son's first birthday party...

Jack: I'm so full. Look, I'm four months.
Brian: Hmm, Jessica's almost six months along.
Dave: She's expecting? So this will be your third?
Brian: Yep.
Mike: Hey Dave, when is your wife due?
Dave: A year ago?

Denver

I'm in Denver.

It's a business trip. I'm here for a training that will go for 8 hours tomorrow. This is the first business trip I've been on in nearly 10 years.

The last one was to Richfield, Utah to help open a new Hogi Yogi there. I went back and read my journal from the time to remind myself of the trip. All I wrote about was feeling bad about not being in town for a Skalars show...

I seem to remember being on the local radio station. A DJ was doing a remote at the opening of the restaurant, and he interviewed me because I was an employee of the original Teriyaki Stix (Bowl). I remember him looking into my eyes and saying that he felt like the Lord had big things planned for me. You'd think I'd write about that in my journal, but no, I was 17.

So, Denver... actually I think we're staying in Golden.

There are four of us from Utah here. The car rental place was out of the cars that we had originally asked for, but then set us up in a Dodge Durango. Ah, to hear the biting critiques of our rental by a bunch of Saturn sales guys. My favorite: "I wouldn't buy this, but I could sure sell it."

We used a GPS thing to help us find the hotel, and therefore got lost, but only once. The GPS did an excellent job of saying things like this: "Continue on the same road in two miles." What are we supposed to do until then?! Huh?! The real highlight came when we pulled into the parking lot of the hotel and it said, "When able, make a legal U-turn."

Mike checked in for us and brought us four keys. He told us that there was just one room with two double beds...

Ah ha ha ha! What a joker, that Mike. Actually, that's kind of a lame joke, huh? Except that it was TRUE! Ha ha ha ha ehh...

We got another room and will be taking the bill back to Saturn of Salt Lake.

So dinner. We ate at a place called "The Keg." It boasted "keg-sized baked potatoes." I got a baked potato, and if it was the size of one of their kegs, they must throw some pretty weak parties, because it was the size of a regular potato. The other guys all tried the prime rib and raved about it, so if you're ever in Golden and want to spend a lot of money on dinner, try the prime rib at The Keg. The table was set with wine glasses, and when Dave told the server we wouldn't be needing them, our sever (Maury, by name) said, "You mean you don't want water?"

Dave was thrilled with Maury's name, and made sure to address him by name every time he came to the table. We all appreciated his mustache too. Maury gave fantastic service.

And now it's off to the pool, I'm thinking the rest of the trip will be pretty low key, inasmuch as it will consist mostly of sitting in a training. So this is likely all I have to write about Denver.

I mean Golden.

Joke

A man was driving around town with a car full of penguins. A traffic officer pulled him over and told him that he needed to take the penguins to the zoo. The man agreed.

The next day the same officer saw the same man driving through town, his car still full of penguins. He pulled him over again and said, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

The man said, "I did! Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

I told this joke all the time when I was probably six or so... I didn't get it.

Another Lesson Learned

Do not park beneath the light post.